For My Friend Joan ...

I have blogged about lots of friends and family ... I have blogged in the past to share pictures of my garden with my friend Joan ... but I have never really talked in depth about Joan.  My friend Joan is one of the most amazing people I have ever met.  She is one of those people that I believe God put in my path for reasons that at the time I didn't understand ... but years later it became very clear.  Joan is someone that I love with all my heart ... and would be truly lost without.   I love Joan for more reasons than I can list ... but I will try to list just a few...

Several years ago I had a panic attack ... I had them before but nothing like this ... late one night during a bad snow storm panic swept over me and I thought I was going to die ... I ran outside thinking the fresh air would make me breathe ... but it just got worse ... I came back in the house and had no idea what to do ... I thought I was dying ... (if you have never had a panic attack you won't understand)  ... I called Joan ... and she talked me off the ledge ...her calm, soothing, mothering voice and good advice got me through ... what I believe was one of the most frightening moment of my life.

My animals or the strays that I try to care for ... through the years have sometimes needed more than I was capable of ... Joan always gives me the best advise ... I can call her all hours of the day or night and she is always willing to listen ... offer suggestions and promise to do research (and she always calls back with answers)  ... animals are her love and life!

We have spent many hours crying and laughing over our mutual children that are not ours ... children born to others and yet we love as though we gave birth to them ourselves ... each of us knowing that one gives to one what the other cannot and just happy that we as a whole fill in the gap when we are needed ...

When my marriage of 20 years came to a sudden halt ... I showed up on Joan's doorstep crying and asking for wisdom ... wisdom is what I got ... she told me only I could decide what was right for me ... no one else could live my life ... take care of me ... she hugged me and assured me I would be OK .. and I was ...

There have been many time I have asked Joan if what I was feeling was normal and she always tells me I am just fine ... even when I feel the craziest.  

I am lucky and honored that Joan calls me friend ... 

and now a few pictures for Joan ...

This is the peony that Joan gave me 20 years ago ...

my favorite ball ... another gift from Joan ...

and another ...

hope ...

I am struggling right now ... as I know many others are ... trying to wrap my head around what has happened.  The feelings are similar to the feelings I had when my dad died in a car accident ... September 11 ... I feel helpless and am reminded that we ultimately have no control over our lives ... life is so fragile and so short and so precious.  Human beings amaze me ... how could someone do something so horrible and yet look at the number of people who rush into a burning building to save a strangers life ... Most humans are good and the good outweigh the bad by huge numbers ... and it is the number of good souls that give me hope when all seems so hopeless.   I struggle between crying and wanting to just start knocking things off my bucket list.  Time heals all wounds and I know this ... two years ago my world was ripped apart and I thought it would never be good again and yet it is infinitely better ... life goes on ... but it is these experiences that make me want to be a better person ... make me want to stop and smell the roses ... make sure I always tell those I love how much I love them ... make sure my friends know that my life is better because they are part of it.  For now anyway there is nothing I can do ... only try to process what has happened ... and be grateful for all good in my life ... and focus on hope ...

50 ... WTF ...

So on March 28th I turned 50 ... I am always reminded of the joke ... you're going to be 18 but you turn 50 ... sort of like spoiled milk ... turned.  I had my yearly mammogram a few weeks ago and the woman said she got really good pictures and if there was any problem I would get a call to have additional testing.  GOT THE CALL ... So I went back for more tests this past Wednesday to another facility with more advanced technology ... for a week I sang that song "I went sky diving ... and I love deeper .... gave forgiveness I'd been denying ... I hope you get the chance to live like you were dying"  ... I felt like I was finally happy after twenty years of misery and now I was going to die.  Of course when I signed in they had me as MRS. S and not as MS. J ... but I have insurance so I continue to have to be called Mrs. S in some ways ... checked in,  I sit in the waiting room  as close to the wall as I can ... and stare at the TV in the corner of the room ... I am aware of the man to my left ... I can feel him staring at me... after several minutes I look over at him and he smiles ... I smile back and stare at the TV again until I can't stand it anymore and look back ... he smiles again ... I kept thinking ... I hope he is not here for a job interview ... finally a very nice woman says Sharon S.  I say "that's me ... well sort of" ... she brings me down a long hall and into the changing area and hands me a gown (so I thought) and says everything off from the waist up the tie is in the front ... after your changed have a seat in the waiting area ... I never thought when getting dressed that morning ... wore my dark grey tights and turtleneck with my grey blue sweater dress and black boots.  Everything off from the waist up ... dress... turtleneck ... bra ... grab the gown ... oh no ... not a gown ... it's the latest thing in the world of the hospital johnny ... dun dun dun ... the 1/2 johnny ... just barely making it to my belly button which is wear the tights end ... so I head out to the waiting area where another woman waits in fear and she stares at me ... "hun" I said ... "never really thought while getting dressed this morning that I would look the Peter Frinkin Pan while getting a mammogram."  She smiled ... some tension broke and she made small talk with me ... They took her in and another woman came out from the testing area to wait ... they took me in and took a few pictures ... I love when they have your breast in between the plates squeeze so flat and then have the nerve to say don't move ... like I could with my boob in a vice grip... back to the waiting area with the other victims of terror ... it's amazing how women who you don't know can bond with each other in these moments of fear that we share ... every time one of us was called back in for more photos we would say to each other "good luck".  It amazed me how we shared intimate details of our lives with strangers and I had the wildest urge to say "how about we all go out for a drink after this." I didn't and I was one of the last to be release back to the world.  The girls are fine ... the 75 lbs I have lost over the last 2 years not only reduced them from a DD to less than a D but also changed the tissue.  Needless to say I slept that night for the first time in over a week... I had a dream I was flying around with Tinkerbell ...

trying to blog ...

When I first started this blog it was suppose to be about things that I liked ... things I thought were cool ... hence the name.  Then it began to become more about food and my love for cooking ... slowly it evolved into a therapy place for my divorce ... and now I don't really know what it is about anymore.  I find it hard to blog most of the time because there is so much I would like to share and yet can't and that keeps me away.  So I decided today that I wanted to blog about all of the above.  Getting back to the root of it some things that I like and think are cool ...

 First and most important I believe it is very cool that soon ... very soon all of this will be gone and green will once again be my sanctuary...

I love that Zachary's favorite thing to do with me is play with my boots ... no toys needed ...

full moon ...

the dish Erika gave me for Christmas ...

and then there is booze ...

My love of cooking died along with my marriage and I have been trying to rebuild that relationship for the past two years ... cooking was my therapy a few years ago ... I would try to bury myself in trying new things to past the time in a very unhappy world.  When my marriage ended so did my appetite and 75 pounds later I am still trying to get it back ... as long as I don't gain the weight back ... 

tarragon, fontina, prosciutto di parma and veal ...

browned in butter finished with white wine 

baby potatoes boiled then smashed and browned in butter and chives ...

zucchini, summer squash and onions ...

greens, herbs, beets, dried cherries, almonds and a balsamic dressing ...

Beef (Frigging) Wellington (HELLO ... so proud of myself) ...

twice baked potatoes ...

tart with apples, dried cherries and almonds ...

homemade winter squash ravioli ... 

with brown butter sage sauce ...

braised fennel ...

sauce with meatballs and sausage ...

blueberry tarts ...

So I am trying ... and slowly I am enjoying the dance between me and the food ... I have come along way ... 

Two years ago this week my world came to a crashing halt and I stopped eating and ceased to exist for a few months ... and slowly a new life was born and now everyday seems to bring new wonders and I marvel at who I am now compared to who I was 24 months ago ... It truly amazes me ... happy was always just a word never a state of being ... and fear was something that I had to deal with ... I am not afraid ... whatever life brings at least I feel it now ... I had the opportunity to talk to the X a few weeks ago ... Funny he wanted the end ... and at the time I didn't ... and in the end I know I ended up happier ... there was a note in his voice that let me know he was growing older while I am growing younger ... In two weeks I will be 50 and yet I feel like I am 18 ... that is the most wonderful feeling ... once at a funeral I got the best advice ... a man talking about his mother said "she always said 90% of what we worry about never happens and the other 10%  there is nothing you can do about it ... just deal with it"... I took my 10% and turned it into gold ... 

I have a toothache . . .

I have a toothache ... a month ago my Dr told me I had fluid in my ear and that could be what was causing the pain in my jaw ... thought maybe it was sinus ... nope ... this past Saturday it became oh so painfully obvious that it was tooth pain ... and for those of you that know the real me ... by Sunday it was a brain tumor ... we are talking serious pain ... I will on occasion take a motrin if I am in real pain ... yesterday I was taking 2 at a time and white knuckling it till I could take more ... so unlike me ... and the booze I consumed yesterday would make my brothers proud ... I called the dentist office at 9:00  this morning only to be told my dentist wasn't in until Tuesday ... the office manager told me she could get me in to see another dentist in the office today but I told her no ... "Dr Rounds knows how to block my punches" ... I only hit the guy once years ago but every time I see him he says "shall I strap you in the chair or will you behave today"  he hit a nerve he deserved that  punch.  I am not a big fan of pain ... but for the most part I believe I have a pretty big tolerance for it ... this pain is bigger than me ... yesterday I begged God the release me from it and he could have my first born ... he then reminded me that I have no children and gave me a fresh dose for being blasphemous ...So I worked all day today and ate soft food ... and now I sit here in my blue fuzzy pjs trying to hang on till the next dose of motrin and contemplating what bottle to open and pour... 14 hours and 15 minutes and I will be in that chair and I know exactly what I am going to say to him ... "don't even think about sticking that metal hook or your little mirror thing in my mouth ... get me the novocain needle and pump that shit into my gums before you do anything or as God is my witness I will punch you again!

and the winner is!

It's a Wonderful Life ...

OK ... so it has been a long time since my last post ... I did do one about the tree that fell in my back yard during hurricane Sandy ... but when I realized how bad things were in NY and NJ ... I thought who the hell  am I to complain about one tree that took out my back yard ... so I didn't post it ... BUT ... lots of stuff has been going on and I have a few photo's to show ... I have a stray cat living in my yard ... I named him Smokie ... he will not let me come near him which leads me to believe that he is feral ... or has been abused badly and abandoned ... he is very sweet and eats every time I feed him ... which is as often as he will eat ...

My nephew Zachary turned five today ... all he wants to be is a Super Hero and fight crime so I made him a Super Hero cape and boots ... it was a big hit ... just not as big as the Spider Man skateboard that Aunt Lisa gave him ... thank God I had chocolate for him ...

This is the tree that took out my yard during Sandy ... I am very lucky that this is all that happened and I never lost power.

This is the still life I started about a week ago ...

and the progress so far ...

apparently I am in a martini phase ...

I sit here now (sipping a martini) contemplating my future and still trying to figure out my past ... sometimes I have these fleeting moments of clarity where I say "get your shit together girl" and then there are those times that I tell myself ... I was so miserable... for so long ... that I should do whatever I want ... and be 18 again.   I try hard to give myself some slack and allow myself to just live and laugh ... because life is short and I am not getting any younger ... Every New Years Eve for so many years I would think ... I wonder where I will be  next year ... and every year I would be in the same miserable skin ... living the same miserable life  ... now I ask myself daily "where the hell will I be tomorrow" ... and it's a crap shoot ... sometimes I'm in a good place and sometimes not so much ... but I am never miserable anymore ... never ... and that makes my life ... a wonderful life ...