Everything happens for a reason ...

I was sitting on my front steps reading ... It seems the only thing I do these days ... when I get home from work I force myself to eat a few bites of something and then retreat to the sunny front steps and read.  I have gone through books this summer at an alarming rate (for me anyway) ... always buying them ...  my sister tells me I should go to the library and check them out ...  but I tell her that if I love a book I want to keep it so I can read it again like watching an old movie over and over.  I have had no energy at all for months . . . thought it was part of this depression ...  I have heard that people who are depressed can't seem to enjoy or do things that they once loved ... I don't even want to iron ... and I love to iron.  Forget washing the kitchen floor or vacuuming the cat hair ... I went to the Dr. on Tuesday and was told that I needed a B-12 shot . . .  The Dr. told me that the level of B-12 in your blood should be 1100 and mine is 270 ... she said "you must be exhausted" ... "I am and depressed as hell" ...  So there I was Thursday night reading and a car slowly pulled up in front of my house slowly the window rolled down and an old woman asked if she could speak to me.  I went down to her and and she pointed to a house across the street and one house down and said "I live there and it's not that I watching you, but I am old and have nothing better to do than look out my window all day."  She told me that a cat circles my house all day as if doing guard duty ... a fluffy gray, brown cat.  She wanted to know if it was my cat ... I told her I had two cats in the house but that I had been feeding this stray cat for 3 years and had named him Smokie.  I explained that Smokie had disappeared a month ago and I have not seen him since.  She had not seen him recently herself.  What I did not tell her was that I didn't realize how much I care about that old cat until he licked my shin and looked up at me like he cared for me that morning he disappeared...Now knowing that he guarded my house everyday ... circling it over and over only made me sadder.    She told me it was finally nice to meet me after all these years ... She said her name was Mary ... I said "very nice to meet you Mary I am Sharon ... I have lived here for 23 years ... 20 with my ex- husband and 3 by myself" ... "Men" she said and shook her head as if she knew my story ... we both laughed and I said "maybe you knew my Grandfather, Alfred Jacobson, this was his home."  She lowered her head ... I thought she was trying to remember ... when she raised it she had a big smile on her face ... "Roy (as his good friends called him) was your grandfather ... Roy was a friend of my husbands and mine ... those boys loved their drinks!"  (I wanted to say I'm pretty fond of mine too) ... Then she looked puzzled and said I remember him saying several times that a Jacobson will always live in that house ... I told her how on his deathbed he had made me promise that a Jacobson would always live in his house ... and how I was the only person with him when he took his last breath ... and isn't it ironic that here I am living here and now with my maiden name back ... a Jacobson.  So everything happens for a reason ... if I hadn't been so exhausted everyday I would have done other things and not just sit on my front steps and read ... and I never would have met Mary or known about that fluffy cat and his guard duty ... and I would never have known that a statement my grandfather made some 60 years ago ... I have been able to make true ...

... there should be video cameras on me at all times

I have said it before ... I can't make this shit up ... and there should be video cameras on me at all times. This post truly should be titled "too much information" ... so feel free to stop reading now.  A few weeks ago I realized I had not done laundry in a week and decided it was time to do some ... my laundry room is in the basement and I avoid the basement unless I need clean clothes ... spiders and bugs and such.  Upon entering the laundry room I noticed that there a thick layer of garbage in the bottom of the double sink that my washing machine drains into ... after a lengthy spew of foul language ... I got some old rags and a trash bag and scooped all this goop into the bag ... sprayed the sinks down with a cleaner and ran the water to clean the sinks ... but the water did not drain ... plunger in hand I set to work.  NOPE ... the water was not going down.  Of course then I began to worry .... how much is this going to cost? ... what if it's a huge problem? ... I will have to take a loan against the house? ... I'll never get that new car because of stupid plumbing ... I had Martini  therapy that night and that usually makes me sleep like the dead but Nooooo I laid awake all night. I called my plumber the next day and explained the situation and he said to call his sewer guy and have the main sewer line snaked to the street ... I called and set up the appointment.  These two rather large gentlemen (and they both were large and gentlemen) one named "Moose" (in his mid twenties) and the other "Boss" (early thirties) set to work.  They opened the main sewer line and snaked it to the street bringing home some lovely tree roots.  That line was clear they had me run the water in the bath and it proved the line was now running.  They then ran the water in the in the double sinks and the water would not go down ... they huffed and puffed and plunged and the water still wouldn't go down.  They got the small snake and set to work ... after a while Moose said "I got it" and pulled something up.  The Boss said "yup those feminine products will do it every time." He says "you live here alone" as if to make sure it's mine ... "Yup ... just me!"  Now here is where the story gets good ... with the water logged and obviously used tampon swinging in the hand he has pointed at me he says ... "Really lady ... not a good idea to flush these" ... I said "I get it ... and I am a little uncomfortable with you holding that" ... The drains were clear and it only cost me $184 to be completely humiliated.  A side note ... I have now seen enough plumbers crack to last me a life time ... 

TRUTH ...

truth  (tro̅o̅th)

n. pl. truths (tro̅o̅thz, tro̅o̅ths)

1. Conformity to fact or actuality.

2. A statement proven to be or accepted as true.

3. Sincerity; integrity.

4. Fidelity to an original or standard.

5.

a. Reality; actuality.

b. often Truth That which is considered to be the supreme reality and to have the ultimate meaning and value of existence.

Truth be told ... all I ask is for the truth ... I am very easy to please ... just tell me the truth. Sometimes the truth hurts ... but it is what it is and living in a lie is not living.   When my marriage of twenty years (based on lies) ended three years ago I vowed never to be with anyone ... family, friend, or lover ... that was not honest with me at all times.  Living with the truth one is able to make decisions and function in reality.  Lies are not reality.  Only in reality is one truly living.  Sincerity ... honesty ... integrity ... these are the qualities I look for in a friend.  

Imagine then the shock and awe of realizing that someone you completely trust with all your being has been lying to you on so many levels ... recently I was brought back to the place I was in three years ago ... asking myself what was wrong with me ... why was I not worthy of a friendship ... a relationship of respect and truth. 

It took some time for me to realize that there is nothing wrong with me ... that expecting that from someone that you trust is normal ... believing that someone you love cares for you, has integrity and won't hurt you ... 

I believe that for every wound comes a lesson and I have to learn from this ... what I will learn from this is still a mystery ... but as I heal I will figure it out ... I know one thing that I learned three years ago ...  not all people will hurt you ... not all people lie ... sometimes I am just so blinded by my love for the other person that I can't see the forest for the trees ... caring deeply for people isn't wrong ... it just sometimes weakens your ability to see their inability to care as much for you as you do for them ...

Know this ... finally confessing the truth, when it should have been told right away may lesson your guilt (assuming you are capable of guilt) ... but it causes the person you lied to so much more pain that you couldn't be honest from the start ...