trying to blog ...

When I first started this blog it was suppose to be about things that I liked ... things I thought were cool ... hence the name.  Then it began to become more about food and my love for cooking ... slowly it evolved into a therapy place for my divorce ... and now I don't really know what it is about anymore.  I find it hard to blog most of the time because there is so much I would like to share and yet can't and that keeps me away.  So I decided today that I wanted to blog about all of the above.  Getting back to the root of it some things that I like and think are cool ...

 First and most important I believe it is very cool that soon ... very soon all of this will be gone and green will once again be my sanctuary...

I love that Zachary's favorite thing to do with me is play with my boots ... no toys needed ...

full moon ...

the dish Erika gave me for Christmas ...

and then there is booze ...

My love of cooking died along with my marriage and I have been trying to rebuild that relationship for the past two years ... cooking was my therapy a few years ago ... I would try to bury myself in trying new things to past the time in a very unhappy world.  When my marriage ended so did my appetite and 75 pounds later I am still trying to get it back ... as long as I don't gain the weight back ... 

tarragon, fontina, prosciutto di parma and veal ...

browned in butter finished with white wine 

baby potatoes boiled then smashed and browned in butter and chives ...

zucchini, summer squash and onions ...

greens, herbs, beets, dried cherries, almonds and a balsamic dressing ...

Beef (Frigging) Wellington (HELLO ... so proud of myself) ...

twice baked potatoes ...

tart with apples, dried cherries and almonds ...

homemade winter squash ravioli ... 

with brown butter sage sauce ...

braised fennel ...

sauce with meatballs and sausage ...

blueberry tarts ...

So I am trying ... and slowly I am enjoying the dance between me and the food ... I have come along way ... 

Two years ago this week my world came to a crashing halt and I stopped eating and ceased to exist for a few months ... and slowly a new life was born and now everyday seems to bring new wonders and I marvel at who I am now compared to who I was 24 months ago ... It truly amazes me ... happy was always just a word never a state of being ... and fear was something that I had to deal with ... I am not afraid ... whatever life brings at least I feel it now ... I had the opportunity to talk to the X a few weeks ago ... Funny he wanted the end ... and at the time I didn't ... and in the end I know I ended up happier ... there was a note in his voice that let me know he was growing older while I am growing younger ... In two weeks I will be 50 and yet I feel like I am 18 ... that is the most wonderful feeling ... once at a funeral I got the best advice ... a man talking about his mother said "she always said 90% of what we worry about never happens and the other 10%  there is nothing you can do about it ... just deal with it"... I took my 10% and turned it into gold ... 

I have a toothache . . .

I have a toothache ... a month ago my Dr told me I had fluid in my ear and that could be what was causing the pain in my jaw ... thought maybe it was sinus ... nope ... this past Saturday it became oh so painfully obvious that it was tooth pain ... and for those of you that know the real me ... by Sunday it was a brain tumor ... we are talking serious pain ... I will on occasion take a motrin if I am in real pain ... yesterday I was taking 2 at a time and white knuckling it till I could take more ... so unlike me ... and the booze I consumed yesterday would make my brothers proud ... I called the dentist office at 9:00  this morning only to be told my dentist wasn't in until Tuesday ... the office manager told me she could get me in to see another dentist in the office today but I told her no ... "Dr Rounds knows how to block my punches" ... I only hit the guy once years ago but every time I see him he says "shall I strap you in the chair or will you behave today"  he hit a nerve he deserved that  punch.  I am not a big fan of pain ... but for the most part I believe I have a pretty big tolerance for it ... this pain is bigger than me ... yesterday I begged God the release me from it and he could have my first born ... he then reminded me that I have no children and gave me a fresh dose for being blasphemous ...So I worked all day today and ate soft food ... and now I sit here in my blue fuzzy pjs trying to hang on till the next dose of motrin and contemplating what bottle to open and pour... 14 hours and 15 minutes and I will be in that chair and I know exactly what I am going to say to him ... "don't even think about sticking that metal hook or your little mirror thing in my mouth ... get me the novocain needle and pump that shit into my gums before you do anything or as God is my witness I will punch you again!

and the winner is!

It's a Wonderful Life ...

OK ... so it has been a long time since my last post ... I did do one about the tree that fell in my back yard during hurricane Sandy ... but when I realized how bad things were in NY and NJ ... I thought who the hell  am I to complain about one tree that took out my back yard ... so I didn't post it ... BUT ... lots of stuff has been going on and I have a few photo's to show ... I have a stray cat living in my yard ... I named him Smokie ... he will not let me come near him which leads me to believe that he is feral ... or has been abused badly and abandoned ... he is very sweet and eats every time I feed him ... which is as often as he will eat ...

My nephew Zachary turned five today ... all he wants to be is a Super Hero and fight crime so I made him a Super Hero cape and boots ... it was a big hit ... just not as big as the Spider Man skateboard that Aunt Lisa gave him ... thank God I had chocolate for him ...

This is the tree that took out my yard during Sandy ... I am very lucky that this is all that happened and I never lost power.

This is the still life I started about a week ago ...

and the progress so far ...

apparently I am in a martini phase ...

I sit here now (sipping a martini) contemplating my future and still trying to figure out my past ... sometimes I have these fleeting moments of clarity where I say "get your shit together girl" and then there are those times that I tell myself ... I was so miserable... for so long ... that I should do whatever I want ... and be 18 again.   I try hard to give myself some slack and allow myself to just live and laugh ... because life is short and I am not getting any younger ... Every New Years Eve for so many years I would think ... I wonder where I will be  next year ... and every year I would be in the same miserable skin ... living the same miserable life  ... now I ask myself daily "where the hell will I be tomorrow" ... and it's a crap shoot ... sometimes I'm in a good place and sometimes not so much ... but I am never miserable anymore ... never ... and that makes my life ... a wonderful life ...

Fall ...

It is with mixed emotion that I write this ... I love the fall ... but I hate to see the summer end ... don't get me wrong ... I hate summer ... hate the heat ... I love the fact that it is cooler and I can wear my thousands of sweaters ... that the leaves are changing and so beautiful ... I have more energy ... but the change of seasons sometimes brings the end to other things ... enough ... 

Today I worked all day in the yard ... trimmed the bushes ... worked on the front steps (which need serious repair that I can't afford ... so ... If you fall on them ... I didn't invite you to my house so you can't sue me) ... cut all my herbs and hung them to dry in the kitchen ... will miss fresh herbs until next summer (store bought is just not the same)

This coming Thursday I would have been married to #1 for 26 years ... funny how you can't remember what you had for lunch yesterday (I had nothing) but you can remember the pain of your youth so vividly ... 

So I look forward to raking leaves (is that what the kids are calling it these days) and canning and jarring and baking bread ... and I look forward to fires in the fireplace and hopefully getting the damn beast done ... There are happy days ahead for me ... I just hope the happy days I know I want and deserve...

The Beast is in the House!

Well ... the Beast is in the house ... at least I don't have to worry about the weather anymore.   But now ... wtf am I going to do?  This thing needs so much more work ... not to mention the creatures that could be living inside it ... and I don't like bugs or mice for that matter ... thank God for those two cats that drive me crazy.  The little one loves to eat moths and the fluffy one... mice ... so I guess it's all good.  

Now I have to do all the finish work and then add the final fabric ... I still can't decide what to do ...should I go with white like the side chairs??? or should I do something bold with color ... (I may have children in my house at some point ... you know sticky fingers and such) ...  the #$%^&*~  cats are already investigating the Beast ... Leave him be girls ... he is my kill!  I have sprayed him down with Lysol which should kill any mold and the cats desire to claw it.

For now he sits and waits for me to attack again ...



I went for a walk with a friend a few weeks ago and this picture keeps popping into my head ...

For the past 18 months I have said repeatedly "I break rules now" ... I will forever regret not walking down this path ... I will go back someday and "do it" ... until then I will just imagine what lies ahead ...

I know ... I know ...

 This is a shot inside that opening ... creepy ...

Beast Update ...

The Beast continues to beat me down ... try as I might, I think it may win ... but with the constant encouragement of friends and family ... I continue to fight the good fight.  Enough said ... I think the pictures speak volumes. 

I know, I know ... really Sharon ... old shirts as stuffing ...

 at $21 a sheet for this foam ... you get why the old shirts ...

I have already spent $200 on something I may have to trash ...

and I am poor and cheap ... (but happy)

 It was at this point that I thought ... sit and see how it feels ... and I did ... and my ass hit the ground ...

(another reason why there should be cameras on me at all times ...)

the repair work I did to the "repair work" someone else did ... obviously didn't work

So I flipped the beast over and thought of a new plan ...

and I believe this may have worked ...

 Foam is in place ... now time to stuff and put the final layer of under fabric ...

then I have to go buy the fabric ...

 That staple gun is my new best friend ...

... I'm going back out ... to slay the beast ...

with a little courage ...