Finding Joy .........

I have had more swift kicks to the gut than I care to remember.  Thought that because I had received such a severe one 14 months ago that I was somehow now immune.  Stupid, stupid girl ... Life is going to kick you in the ass over and over.  Earlier today while sitting in the back yard ... swollen red eyes and all ... I looked up and said "why me" and then it hit me ... why the hell not you ... There are plenty of people out there worse off than you ... so you got kicked in the gut again, stop being doubled over in pain and stand up.  Ya ... I never had a child ... wanted one badly ... had that stolen from me ... but there are people who have had them and had to watch them die ... who the hell am I to feel bad for myself.  I've had plenty of pain in my life ... but better to have loved and lost than never to have loved ... and all that crap.  I'm breathing and for now I am living and I need to remember how lucky I am that I have people who love me no matter what.  I may never have what my grandmother had ... but I had my grandmother to tell me it's possible ... and that's enough to get me through.  

Then I saw it ... the peony opened and I realize I have joy in so many small things ... and that helps with the kicks to the gut ... and I hope I never change ... I hope no matter how many times I get kicked I can get back up and find joy.  That plant grew in that spot and for 17 long years never had a flower ... there is hope for me and I believe that I will be happy again ... I just hope I don't have to wait 17 years ...

The Happiest Place on Earth ...

It's funny my sister often refers to Kappy's (a local liquor store) as the "happiest place on earth" ... not that we enjoy a drink mind you ... it's just that it gets her all warm and fuzzy when we walk through the door.  Today I visited my "happiest place on earth" ... well next to my back yard ... my back yard is truly the happiest place on earth for me ... but Mahoney's in Winchester MA is #2 ... This place is massive and I could spend hours there and dream ... if only my wallet was bigger ... 

This is where I bought Bernard last year ... he now grows proudly in front of my house ...

Funny that bleeding hearts are my favorite flower ... 

So I got my herbs and they are in the pots ...

Nasturtium is edible the flowers are bright and beautiful in salads and very peppery 

Mints ... Peppermint, Spearmint and Chocolate mint ...

Parsley and Cilantro

Basil

Lemon Balm and Lemon Verbena

French Tarragon and Pineapple Sage

 Rosemary and Chives

Marjoram and Oregano  

 Savory

Thyme and Lemon Thyme 

Usually having the herbs in makes me so happy ... today was bitter sweet ... I have my herbs and my bunny is hopping around my yard ... the birds are singing ... and I am sad ... but if the last 14 months has taught me anything it is that I am strong and resilient and whatever happens ... I'll be okay ... 

My Theory ...

I have lived in my house for 20 years, 5 months and some days ... and in that time I have had leaves come up between rocks in my yard that look like the leaves of an Iris ... but never have I had flowers ... I looked out the window today while I was making my lunch and thought "what the hell is that?"  I grabbed my camera and went out to take a look.  

I am not really sure what they are ... but I know for sure there have never been flowers before ... only leaves.  I also planted this peony at least 17 years ago ... it was a gift from my friend Joan and it never flowered ... I had a small bud last year and I was so excited ... but it never bloomed.  

I planted these blueberry bushes last year but got no berries ...

Yes ... I have berries ... they are still green ... but they will be blue soon ... most people would say that these things that didn't bloom before maybe have bloomed this year because of the mild winter or the amount of moisture but I have another theory ... I am happy ... really truly happy and it's leaking out of my house and into my yard. 

That is a baby bunny ... and he (or she) hops around my yard and eats all the greens ... and I love it ... nothing makes me happier than looking out the window while I am cooking or washing dishes or sipping a martini and seeing that sweet little thing hopping around ...

I don't know if my theory is correct ... all I know is my yard has never been more alive or beautiful and I have never been so happy to just sit in it and listen to the bird and watch the butterflies ... 

This is where I sit ...

and this is what I see ... the beast beneath the tarp will have to be wrestled with soon ...

and I have plans ... lots of plans ...