'Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all ...

I hold it true, whate'er befall;
I feel it, when I sorrow most;
'Tis better to have loved and lost
Than never to have loved at all. (Alfred Lord Tennyson 1850)

I have been in mourning for a month ... 30 days and several hours to be exact.  I have never felt anything like this before.  Oh sure I was in pain when my marriage broke up ... but not like this.  It has been almost 3 years since that pain and it was different.  I was betrayed and lied to and all after being treated like crap for years. I felt stupid and gullible for staying in that loveless marriage for all those years.  But as my mother pointed out to me on Thanksgiving ... it didn't hurt like this because I was not in love with him.  

But I am learning some valuable lessons from this pain ... Just because I want it doesn't mean I can have it ... (most people figure that out when they are 5 not 50) Doing the right thing is hard and doing the wrong thing is easy ... I may never feel love again but I felt it and I never truly did before and so yes it is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all ... no matter how much this hurts.  A friend asked me 2 years ago if I wanted the roller coaster or the merry-go-round and I chose the roller coaster ... so it is my own fault.

High school taught me one lesson ... sad to say this is really the only lesson that has stuck with me all my life ... the class was Science but the teacher was more of a philosopher than science teacher ... He said "for as high as you go ... you will go that low ... appreciate the good because the bad will come" I stumbled upon this verse a few weeks ago ... Ecclesiastes 7 verse 14 "when things are going well for you, be glad, and when trouble comes, just remember: God sends both happiness and trouble; you never know what is going to happen next." So this is where I am ... waiting to see what will happen next.  The last chapter of my life was brilliant ... who knows what the next chapter holds ... but it has become abundantly clear that I have no idea what, when or where that chapter will take me.  

I am reminded again of the quote by Lean Horne ... "It's not the load that breaks you down, it's the way you carry it."  I have always been able to carry the load no matter how heavy ... but this one is breaking me.

My friends all mean well with their words of encouragement and advice ... but they don't feel what I feel ... to quote Brandi Carlile "they don't know who I really am and they don't know what I've been through" ... but it is amazing to me what good friend I have and it helps so much to know they care.  

Part of me holds on to a little hope (even though that makes me feel pathetic) ... but silence speaks volumes and right now the silence is deafening ...

Last weekend I broke one of my favorite things ... and it didn't bother me a bit ... reminded me that I would cry every time I drove by the house I grew up in ... until my sister's boyfriend Harvey died and then I realized things are just things ... but when you lose love that's something to cry about.

The Juxtaposition of the Dead and the Living . . .

I stumbled upon this beauty a few weeks ago ... very happy I had my camera with me.  It frightened me and intrigued me all at same time ... which is a thrilling sensation that I remember from childhood ... that mix of curiosity and fear is a powerful combo ... I was sure at any moment some sort of zombie was going to get me ... and yet I kept going.  The juxtaposition of the dead and the living was fascinating ...

To see so much life growing in and around something so dead was amazing ...

and the winner is ........AMY!

OK ... let me set the stage ... it is hot enough to fry an egg out there folks ... so hot at the Annual Delaney 4th of July Celebration ... most everyone is in the pool ... except for Sharon who decided to where white pants and a white button down man's shirt to look official in my job as judge of the "Annual Delaney Girl's Bake Off" (or "smack down" as I like to call it .... and this year it really was one!)  

I was so hot that I went pool side and asked the kids to splash me .... bad idea .... I cooled off ... With a drink called Kinky to cleans my palate I was ready to begin ... I was sent next door to visit my friend Linda while to prep work was done ... When called back the 4 desserts were set before me ... 

The biscuit in the bowl with a sprinkle of cinnamon and sugar, vanilla ice cream, fruit and whip cream (Stacy) was really good ... as was the the cheese cake tart with chocolate chips (Kate) and cheesecake bar with fruit  (Lisa)... but the puff pastry with fruit, chocolate and sweet filling (Amy) was the winner!  

Lisa was not happy!... within seconds of Amy being crowned the winner Lisa's cheesecake was headed for my face... I begged on behalf of my white clothes and was spared ... Amy not so lucky!

Another great 4th of July at the Delaney's!

Smokie ...

The stray cat in my back yard who I have named Smokie is testing me ... I have been feeding him since last fall ... clipping off fur balls when I can and trying like hell to get him to trust me enough so that I can somehow get him to a vet ... get him cleaned up and try and find a home for him.  When he first started coming around he was obviously injured ... two huge wounds on the his neck open and raw have since healed ... he never groomed himself at first but now cleans himself ... he lived the whole winter under a crawl space at the back of my house ... after each snow storm I would shovel a path to the spot and make sure he had food and water ... and how does the bastard repay me ... yesterday he killed two chipmunks.  I feed the birds and the squirrels and the chipmunks (really just the birds but the others think it's for them as well) ... so what I am doing is basically giving Smokie a great hunting ground ... I am not a big fan of blood and guts ... 

Thinking of a new name ... Killer 

For My Friend Joan ...

I have blogged about lots of friends and family ... I have blogged in the past to share pictures of my garden with my friend Joan ... but I have never really talked in depth about Joan.  My friend Joan is one of the most amazing people I have ever met.  She is one of those people that I believe God put in my path for reasons that at the time I didn't understand ... but years later it became very clear.  Joan is someone that I love with all my heart ... and would be truly lost without.   I love Joan for more reasons than I can list ... but I will try to list just a few...

Several years ago I had a panic attack ... I had them before but nothing like this ... late one night during a bad snow storm panic swept over me and I thought I was going to die ... I ran outside thinking the fresh air would make me breathe ... but it just got worse ... I came back in the house and had no idea what to do ... I thought I was dying ... (if you have never had a panic attack you won't understand)  ... I called Joan ... and she talked me off the ledge ...her calm, soothing, mothering voice and good advice got me through ... what I believe was one of the most frightening moment of my life.

My animals or the strays that I try to care for ... through the years have sometimes needed more than I was capable of ... Joan always gives me the best advise ... I can call her all hours of the day or night and she is always willing to listen ... offer suggestions and promise to do research (and she always calls back with answers)  ... animals are her love and life!

We have spent many hours crying and laughing over our mutual children that are not ours ... children born to others and yet we love as though we gave birth to them ourselves ... each of us knowing that one gives to one what the other cannot and just happy that we as a whole fill in the gap when we are needed ...

When my marriage of 20 years came to a sudden halt ... I showed up on Joan's doorstep crying and asking for wisdom ... wisdom is what I got ... she told me only I could decide what was right for me ... no one else could live my life ... take care of me ... she hugged me and assured me I would be OK .. and I was ...

There have been many time I have asked Joan if what I was feeling was normal and she always tells me I am just fine ... even when I feel the craziest.  

I am lucky and honored that Joan calls me friend ... 

and now a few pictures for Joan ...

This is the peony that Joan gave me 20 years ago ...

my favorite ball ... another gift from Joan ...

and another ...

hope ...

I am struggling right now ... as I know many others are ... trying to wrap my head around what has happened.  The feelings are similar to the feelings I had when my dad died in a car accident ... September 11 ... I feel helpless and am reminded that we ultimately have no control over our lives ... life is so fragile and so short and so precious.  Human beings amaze me ... how could someone do something so horrible and yet look at the number of people who rush into a burning building to save a strangers life ... Most humans are good and the good outweigh the bad by huge numbers ... and it is the number of good souls that give me hope when all seems so hopeless.   I struggle between crying and wanting to just start knocking things off my bucket list.  Time heals all wounds and I know this ... two years ago my world was ripped apart and I thought it would never be good again and yet it is infinitely better ... life goes on ... but it is these experiences that make me want to be a better person ... make me want to stop and smell the roses ... make sure I always tell those I love how much I love them ... make sure my friends know that my life is better because they are part of it.  For now anyway there is nothing I can do ... only try to process what has happened ... and be grateful for all good in my life ... and focus on hope ...