Making the effort...

effort (ef'ert) n.  1. The use of physical or mental energy to do something; exertion.

In this case it is both physical and mental for me.  I know I talked about this a few weeks ago but it truly is amazing to me how hard it is for me to cook.  It's amazing because 10 weeks ago it was the thing I lived for.  I could not wait to get home from work most nights to try and create something new.  Snow days at home would always mean that I would bake bread.  Most weekends I spent the majority of the time experimenting with new flavor combinations.  The days spent before the big summer party and Christmas eve were my favorite days, sometime crazy and hectic in preparation, but I loved every minute of it.  Now I can barely fry an egg, and then try to swallow it.  

Time is the great healer I have been told....I've also been told to "try"...."This too shall pass"....."I know it doesn't seem like it now honey, but things are going to get much better and you'll be fine" ....and I know I will but I just want to be able to do the thing I love to do, and enjoy it.  It just seems like a cruel punishment on top of everything else I'm dealing with ....but this I'm doing to myself.  

Anyhoo .... So I've been trying... to be creative and cook....and slowly, slowly its coming back... tonight I made braciole.  I made it and it was less painful than the spinach salad and French onion soup I made yesterday and alot easier than the crab cakes I made last Thursday.  I'm not eating a lot of anything but I am eating more than I was a month ago.  So we have progress ... I'll take it!

I am being very careful with money these days and I found this cheap cut of beef.

 I got four pieces for about 6 bucks, 

pounded the hell out of it (which was also very therapeutic) and rendered it tender.

Sprinkled it with bread crumbs, parmesan cheese, some herbs, salt and pepper.

Rolled it, tied it and fried it in olive oil till brown  

Then I added a jar of my sauce and let it cook slowly for a very long time on low heat.

For the crab cakes I cheated and used canned crab instead of the fresh stuff.

I had  two cans to which I added two eggs, chopped celery, a fine chopped shallot, some tarragon  

and enough bread crumbs to hold it all together 

rolled them in panko and fried them in a little olive oil and butter.  

I made some wilted spinach and quinoa.  

I also made a little sauce of olive oil mayo, lemon zest, lemon juice, chopped dill pickle and some capers.  

This is angel hair birds nest pasta that I browned in a little olive oil.

After it browned on both sides I added a cup of chicken stock and a can of cherry tomatoes and some herbs.

Just let it cook slowly and absorb the liquid as it cooks.  

I'm making an effort......