Sometimes lately it amazes me how little living I actually did during the last 20 years. I became this being that went through the motions but didn't feel much. Like chewing and swallowing without ever tasting. I can't really blame anyone but myself....I was trapped in a life and thought there was no way out...and I stayed there because I was a good girl. In that world I had fears and phobias that grew...because that life fed on them. I had no reason to think that anything would change....I truly thought that was that .... end of the line.....live this life till you die. In the last four months I've started to taste again and I can feel too.
Those of you that know me know that I wear a brace on my right ankle....have for years. When I was 9 years old I broke my ankle twisted it while walking in ice skates. The Dr. back then said it was a chip bone fracture. What they didn't say was the the chip of bone that broke off also had one of my ligaments attached to it. For the next 30 odd years I twisted that ankle over and over again. The pain, as those of you that have twisted an ankle know, is pretty bad. It got to the point where I could stand still and my ankle would just pop out hit the floor and snap back in. I twisted it so many times that it is twice the size of the other one and it was always purple and bruised. I had a brace that I would wear after a bad twist while it healed. I started having flashback like episodes sometimes and could actually feel pain even though I hadn't twisted it. So I just started wearing the drug store brace all the time. I thought I was loosing my mind .... so when I turned 40 I thought this is ridiculous, I can't live the rest of my life wearing this brace and imagining that I going to twist my ankle all the time! So I made an appointment with a psychiatrist who specialized in fear and phobias. Told him the long tale and he looked very seriously at me and said after what seemed like forever "have you seen an orthopedic" and my response "ahhhhh actually no, I haven't" he said "I'd start there". So I made an appointment with an orthopedic, who was really nice and showed me the x-rays of my poor ankle and explained that it has no working ligaments and I had every right to be afraid that it could twist at anytime. Went to physical therapy to help strengthen the muscle around the ankle but there is nothing that can be done. He could try to do surgery but it may limit my ability to use the ankle. I also got a prescription for a custom made brace, which is what I use now (actually due for a new one.) For the last 8 years I have worn that brace on my ankle all of my waking hours. Until a few weeks ago..... the fear of twisting it is not as bad as the pain I experienced 4 months ago. The pain of 4 months ago is so much stronger than any other pain I can think of and I lived through that and I survived and somehow that broke the hold it had on me. So yes I still wear my brace to work and when I am outside because if I step on the smallest pebble I could twist it, that's reality. But in my house I now walk around without the brace and that is freedom. The point is if I do twist it I know I can handle the pain, and dancing around my house without that brace on is so much fun.
I haven't gone to the beach in almost 20 years.....for many reasons, my dad had several skin cancers removed so I was afraid of that, the brace on the ankle....so yes mostly fear. I loved the beach as a kid and a young adult. I lived in Sicily for a time when I was in my 20s and sunbathed at Taormina which was a topless beach, sunburned nipples not fun! I went to the beach today and it was wonderful. I was excited to be able to walk carefully down to the water without the brace but as it turns out the beach was all rocky so I had to wear it but I didn't care I was at the beach. There is something about salt water that just heals.
my poor right foot and my brace ... according to my nephew Zachary nice sparkly nail polish
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