OK ... help me stop ...

In my recent cheating with the cigarettes ... I'm not lying about it ... I've been very honest ... I've had tons of comment and questions ... "Jake what the hell are you doing?" ... "Why after 11 years would you do this?" ... "you have to stop this!" ... "if it makes you happy right now just do it" ... "idiot!" ... and most recently "you can't be perfect, look at all your going through" ... see that one right there is a killer ... and to the addicts mind a beautiful statement ... hell ... look at what I'm going through ... the lawyer ... pending court ... worrying about money ... etc.  But that's just it ... I know the addicts mind and allowing myself to believe I deserve to smoke is like laying down my weapon and allowing myself to get shot.  I called my friend AnneMarie a week ago ... she helped me quit twice before ... 18 years ago and 11 years ago.  After my dad was killed in a car wreak in 1997 I started again.  I smoked for a couple of years and then quit again.  Just like the last time I am only smoking a few a day (most days ... we are being honest here ... sometimes it's more than a few) and it's only been 4 months.    Talking to her was good ... she reminded me of some of the help she gave me in the past and reminded me of how much better I feel when I am not smoking.  It's true ... there is poison in cigarettes and it settles in and makes you feel sick and your head hurt and it's so subtle that you don't even realize ... until the poison is gone from your system.  The problem is when I am smoking, Chandler Bing creeps in and as I blow the smoke out I go ....Ahhhhhhhh.  I just need to make a plan ... pick a day and do it.  I keep thinking about how healthy I try to be .... I limit red meat and I practically live on fruits, vegetables and grains ... wtf am I doing to myself ... I cough ... have trouble sleeping because of it ... it stinks ... and it costs 8 bucks a pack and I am a tight wad ... and yet the thought of giving it up is killing me ... My boss asked me 4 months ago when I confessed my sin (the boss is a minister) "why ... what is it that your getting out of it?" ... the only answer I had was "because I can and I break rules now" ... in some sick way I am rebelling against myself almost ... I can't quite put my finger on it ... so that's where I am at ... I need to figure it out and stop ... and soon ... I welcome any help I can get ... don't judge me ... just help me ... comments are welcome ...