"Too Much Information" ...

This post may fall under the category of "Too Much Information" ... yesterday was my annual gynecological exam and mammogram ... well the word annual is being used loosely here ... fact is I haven't been in 2+ years ...  I know ... I know. That is not like me ... I have been faithfully going since I was 15 years old.  My mother was given a drug similar to DES when she was pregnant with me ... and she wanted to make sure I was alright ... I would have done the same.  The reason I scheduled the appointments was because I found a lump last week. I had this weird feeling in my left arm pit and when I felt around there it was ... a lump.

The mammogram was at 7:40 a.m. ... I am barely out of bed at 7:40 a.m.  never mind be showered ... hair dry ... and makeup on ...When I got to the hospital I had to go through the registration process ... part of the new life that is uncomfortable, the change of the name, blah, blah, blah... I have new insurance and of course had to change my emergency contact information to my sister Lisa ... I don't think the X would like to get an emergency gynecological call ... Audrey was the name of the tech who did the mammogram ... she asked me some questions ... then I asked her if it would be okay if I took a picture of the machine ... "you may" .... "may I ask why?" ... "for my blog" ... "interesting" ... apparently most women do not want a picture of the machine that literally has a vise grip on their boob.  A few years back ... trying to be helpful I placed my own breast on the machine and the tech at the time said "thank you ... I'll do that".... okay not trying to do your job lady ... so I've learned ... let them grab your boob ... it's their job.  Audrey was very kind and probably the nicest mammo tech I have ever had.  She explained everything very calmly and always told me what she was going to do before doing it.  Past mammograms I have had the tech has said "don't breathe" ... Audrey very proudly told me with this new machine I didn't have to hold my breath during the test ... I didn't have the heart to tell her that when my breast is in a vise I can't breathe .... even if I want to.

There it is boys ... they place your breast on the black plate and lower the clear plastic one until your breast resembles a pancake ... so much fun!

After the mammogram I traveled down the hall for the gynecological exam ... I went to the reception desk and chatted with the secretary Judy for a few minutes ... and scheduled my appointment for next year so I wouldn't forget again.  Judy was very pleasant and as I was explaining my name change we discussed our divorces.  It boggles my mind the ratio of divorced to married forever ... your forever's are few and far between ... I told her how Audrey the mammo tech just asked me  "is there any chance you are pregnant" and I said "God I hope not ... I'm single and a Baptist Church secretary" ... the rumors that would go around the town ... Judy thought this was very funny .... Audrey the mammo tech not so much ... I killed a good 15 minutes amusing these ladies with my tales of woe ...

The nurse came and got me and brought me into the exam room ... she asked the standard questions ... and I answered them honestly ... we talked about our divorces and when I explained my situation the muscles in her jaw relaxed and then her mouth fell open and slowly her jaw dropped ... "I think that is the worst I have ever heard, and I thought I'd heard them all"  I said "that is exactly what my hairdresser said" ... (That's it ... I'm writing a book!)  Nurses don't get enough credit in my mind ... she told me my blood pressure was high and I explained that I have white coat syndrome and that I was about to have my naked butt up in the air with her and the Dr. poking around and they were basically strangers to me and I'm not really comfortable with that ... that made her laugh ... 

She went out and came back in a few minutes later and said she forgot to get my height to hop back up on the scale ... then she whispered that she just got spoken to because she was laughing with me ... I need to make sure I call and tell Judy to tell the Dr. that I called to say how nice the nurse was to me and that she calmed me down because I was nervous ... I hate the thought of this nice women getting crap for making me feel better.  The Dr. came in and asked more questions one of which was "how is your sex life?" I said "how's yours Doc?" ... she said "you can't ask me that" ... I said "you asked me" ... have always wanted to do that ... she wasn't amused ... the nurse was.  She examined my breasts and asked me to show her the lump I had found ... she palpated it for a few minutes with a serious expression and then said "that's just fat" to which I responded "Oh thank God ... I have never been so happy to hear those words."   The rest of the exam went as they normally do ... "this is the speculum let me know if it's too cold" ... I said "Doc did I ever tell that when I was in my twenties I was having my annual ... and after the Dr. put the speculum in ... she was just getting to the punch line of a joke ... and when I laughed the speculum flew out and hit the Dr. in the forehead" ... the nurse laughed ... the Dr. said "I won't be telling you any jokes" ... OK.   So there I was left to get dressed and doing a little happy dance as I did ... the lump that had me so scared was just fat.   For an entire week I thought this is just my luck ... I am finally truly happy and now I'm going to die.  So relieved and so happy I head out of the exam room and the Dr. yells after me "I want you to have a colonoscopy" ... Really Doc ... can I be happy for 5 minutes ... I said my goodbyes to Judy and the other Secretaries as I headed out and I heard one of them say as I left "she is so funny" ...  funny ... it's just my life ladies ... I can't make this shit up ...