how could I not ...

How do you go from living with someone day in and day out for 19 + years ... feeling like you know them as well as you know yourself ... and then realize ... you don't know them at all ... and in one day everything changes ... and a face ... a presence ... a smell ... that was part of your existence ... is gone.  Stranger still ... how could I wake up two months later and realize that I was happy ... finally truly happy ... alone and happy.  For so many years I just existed ... went through the motions and pretended it was okay ... all of a sudden I was alone but no longer lonely ... and I think that is the saddest part in all of this ... I am less lonely all by myself than I was when I was married.  At first I was angry ... any woman would be ... but after those two months I was so grateful ... I got my life back ... my life ... me.  I was no longer in this thing ... this facade. Having my identity back is brilliant ... radiant even ... sometimes I actually feel like I shine.  People keep telling me I look different ... yeah my hair is blonder ... and I have lost 50 pounds ... but that's not it ... I smile ... my face smiles and my heart smiles ... sometimes when I wake up in the morning and I realize where I am and who I am ... I start to giggle ... I know that may make me sound crazy ... but it's true ... I can't help it ... it just feels good to be happy.  I was told by a good friend that the boomerang would happen ... and it has started. Oh sure there will be bad and sad times ... I'm not naive ... I'm not a fool ... but I am equip to handle it all ...  my time has come ... this is when I will get my just desserts ... my happiness is coming ... it's already here ... I've waited a long time for it ... all that has happened to me or not happened to me in the last 30 years is over and as my 4 year old nephew Zachary told me months ago "you're not old aunt Sharon ... you're brand new" ... and this new start is genius ... brilliant ... pissa ... just saying ..........

I saw him tonight for the first time in several months ... I had the taxes done last night and he had to sign them ... the return will cover the cost of the divorce ... ironic ... It wasn't at all what I expected. It was so strange to see this person who I lived with for all those years ... so familiar and yet so foreign.  I thanked him ... and I meant it.  I am so happy now ... I'm living and breathing again.  I don't think he is as happy as I am ... hopefully that will come in time.  I am keenly aware now that we have just one life ... there is no dress rehearsal ... this is it ... and we all need to live like we don't have a tomorrow ... because we never know.  I hope that if someone out there is not happy with their life and they read this ... they will know there is hope ... change is hard and tears will fall ... but in the end ... your life can be brilliant ... glow ... it is all worth it in the end.  He told me I was his best friend and that he misses me ... and I finally understand ... people fall out of love just as easily as they fall in ... I wish he was as happy as I am ... I hope he will be ... and that is the truth ... how could I not ...