Having Patience ........

Patient - Bearing or enduring pain, difficulty, provocation or annoyance with calmness.

A good friend recently stated that I was not a patient person.  I believe that in the past I was extremely patient ... and those of you that know the truth of my past life can attest ... I was patient to a fault ... patient to the point of being an idiot ... so much so that from mid March of last year until mid August ... every time I looked in the mirror I said "Idiot" with complete and total disgust ... I felt like such a fool ... those closest to me say that I was wrong to feel that way ... that I took my vows seriously ... how was I to know ... for literally years I was patient ... I waited and I waited and I prayed ... I've never prayed for frivolous things ... never asked for that shiny red bike ... I prayed that dying babies had no pain and that I would have happiness in my marriage ... I waited and I waited and I prayed ... in some cases not the whole 20 years but a good 15 ... I waited and I waited ... I believe I am quite the expert when it comes to patience ... let's just say I have had a lot of practice ...

So now my life is different in so many ways and I don't have to wait anymore ... I don't have to hope ... I can just reach out and grab ... I do not wait for others to toss me a crumb of happiness ... I make my own.  I live like there is no tomorrow ... I dance as if no one is watching (cause no one is I do that alone ... it's a little like Elaine on Seinfeld ... not pretty) and I have no patience damn it!  Patience is for losers ... I want it all and I want it now!  I waited a long time to get what I want ... and I deserve that shiny red bike ... and for once it feels good to say give it to me ... I want it and I deserve it ... I've paid my dues ... get out of my way ... there is life to be lived and I am living it ... with a top hat on and a cigar in my mouth!

Have you ever wondered ... just for one minute ... just for one second ... can it get any better than this ... I have ... recently ...

Don't Feel Bad For Me ......

I was told recently that "someone" felt bad for me ... to this I say ... DO NOT .. FEEL BAD .. FOR ME ... don't pity me ... I was furious ... seething even ... what you should tell me is that you admire me because I am strong and I am not bitter and angry and I do not wish you any ill will ... you should be happy for me that I lived through something horrible and hard ... that you had a hand in  ... lies and betrayal hurt on so many levels ... and yet I came out on the other side happy and new ... saying that you feel "bad for me" implies that I am somehow weak ... that you look down on me ... that I am pathetic in your eyes ... sad even ... I am none of those things ...  I am self-sufficient, self-reliant, capable, creative and smart ... very smart ... you don't know me ... we have never met ... you have no idea who or what I am ... Frederich Nietzsche said "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger" and I believe I am very strong physically and mentally ... and I am these things in spite of you ... Applause ... high fives ... fist bumps ... and atta boys ... is what I deserve ... not your pity ... truth be told ... I feel bad for you ... ask yourself why?

"Too Much Information" ...

This post may fall under the category of "Too Much Information" ... yesterday was my annual gynecological exam and mammogram ... well the word annual is being used loosely here ... fact is I haven't been in 2+ years ...  I know ... I know. That is not like me ... I have been faithfully going since I was 15 years old.  My mother was given a drug similar to DES when she was pregnant with me ... and she wanted to make sure I was alright ... I would have done the same.  The reason I scheduled the appointments was because I found a lump last week. I had this weird feeling in my left arm pit and when I felt around there it was ... a lump.

The mammogram was at 7:40 a.m. ... I am barely out of bed at 7:40 a.m.  never mind be showered ... hair dry ... and makeup on ...When I got to the hospital I had to go through the registration process ... part of the new life that is uncomfortable, the change of the name, blah, blah, blah... I have new insurance and of course had to change my emergency contact information to my sister Lisa ... I don't think the X would like to get an emergency gynecological call ... Audrey was the name of the tech who did the mammogram ... she asked me some questions ... then I asked her if it would be okay if I took a picture of the machine ... "you may" .... "may I ask why?" ... "for my blog" ... "interesting" ... apparently most women do not want a picture of the machine that literally has a vise grip on their boob.  A few years back ... trying to be helpful I placed my own breast on the machine and the tech at the time said "thank you ... I'll do that".... okay not trying to do your job lady ... so I've learned ... let them grab your boob ... it's their job.  Audrey was very kind and probably the nicest mammo tech I have ever had.  She explained everything very calmly and always told me what she was going to do before doing it.  Past mammograms I have had the tech has said "don't breathe" ... Audrey very proudly told me with this new machine I didn't have to hold my breath during the test ... I didn't have the heart to tell her that when my breast is in a vise I can't breathe .... even if I want to.

There it is boys ... they place your breast on the black plate and lower the clear plastic one until your breast resembles a pancake ... so much fun!

After the mammogram I traveled down the hall for the gynecological exam ... I went to the reception desk and chatted with the secretary Judy for a few minutes ... and scheduled my appointment for next year so I wouldn't forget again.  Judy was very pleasant and as I was explaining my name change we discussed our divorces.  It boggles my mind the ratio of divorced to married forever ... your forever's are few and far between ... I told her how Audrey the mammo tech just asked me  "is there any chance you are pregnant" and I said "God I hope not ... I'm single and a Baptist Church secretary" ... the rumors that would go around the town ... Judy thought this was very funny .... Audrey the mammo tech not so much ... I killed a good 15 minutes amusing these ladies with my tales of woe ...

The nurse came and got me and brought me into the exam room ... she asked the standard questions ... and I answered them honestly ... we talked about our divorces and when I explained my situation the muscles in her jaw relaxed and then her mouth fell open and slowly her jaw dropped ... "I think that is the worst I have ever heard, and I thought I'd heard them all"  I said "that is exactly what my hairdresser said" ... (That's it ... I'm writing a book!)  Nurses don't get enough credit in my mind ... she told me my blood pressure was high and I explained that I have white coat syndrome and that I was about to have my naked butt up in the air with her and the Dr. poking around and they were basically strangers to me and I'm not really comfortable with that ... that made her laugh ... 

She went out and came back in a few minutes later and said she forgot to get my height to hop back up on the scale ... then she whispered that she just got spoken to because she was laughing with me ... I need to make sure I call and tell Judy to tell the Dr. that I called to say how nice the nurse was to me and that she calmed me down because I was nervous ... I hate the thought of this nice women getting crap for making me feel better.  The Dr. came in and asked more questions one of which was "how is your sex life?" I said "how's yours Doc?" ... she said "you can't ask me that" ... I said "you asked me" ... have always wanted to do that ... she wasn't amused ... the nurse was.  She examined my breasts and asked me to show her the lump I had found ... she palpated it for a few minutes with a serious expression and then said "that's just fat" to which I responded "Oh thank God ... I have never been so happy to hear those words."   The rest of the exam went as they normally do ... "this is the speculum let me know if it's too cold" ... I said "Doc did I ever tell that when I was in my twenties I was having my annual ... and after the Dr. put the speculum in ... she was just getting to the punch line of a joke ... and when I laughed the speculum flew out and hit the Dr. in the forehead" ... the nurse laughed ... the Dr. said "I won't be telling you any jokes" ... OK.   So there I was left to get dressed and doing a little happy dance as I did ... the lump that had me so scared was just fat.   For an entire week I thought this is just my luck ... I am finally truly happy and now I'm going to die.  So relieved and so happy I head out of the exam room and the Dr. yells after me "I want you to have a colonoscopy" ... Really Doc ... can I be happy for 5 minutes ... I said my goodbyes to Judy and the other Secretaries as I headed out and I heard one of them say as I left "she is so funny" ...  funny ... it's just my life ladies ... I can't make this shit up ... 

Donna's Painting.....

I started a painting for my good friend Donna at the end of December ... and I have been trying to make myself paint on a regular basis.  Painting is good for me ... any artist will tell you being creative is like a runners high ... you actually feel euphoric while painting ... tonight I feel that way for more than one reason ... not saying this is the greatest work I have ever done ... but sometimes a stroke of the brush ... and the paint move the right way ... and you create depth ... and it's an amazing feeling ...

I have miles to go before it is done ... but it feels good to be on the journey ...

Food ... still can't believe it's an issue ...

I haven't been hitting it out of the ballpark in the kitchen these days ... truth is I haven't really been trying on a daily basis like I use to.  That used to be a huge part of my identity ... cooking was what I enjoyed the most.  I liked making people happy with food.  These days I am busy trying to figure out who the hell I am and what makes me happy.  I have the freedom to explore so many avenues that cooking takes a back burner ... no pun intended.  A friend recently told me about a veal dish that was so good ... and I realized I have never eaten veal or cooked it ... I shy away from it for the "ethical" reason.  I decided I wanted to try it ... I know, I know ... but I break rules now.  So yesterday Donna and I went grocery shopping together ... we've done this before and it's quite a lot of fun for me ... we start off together and then go our own way ... every once in a while we end up in the same isle and one of us will start "you know what else sucks" we have a mini conversation and then head off again.  So there it was veal ... it looked harmless ... not intimidating ... I pushed the ethical thoughts out of my mind and bought it.  I researched on line several recipes and then came up with my own recipe.

First I started a mushroom risotto ... I had some porcini broth in the freezer and some portobellos on hand and butter lots of butter ...

 I sauted the risotto in butter and minced shallots for a few minutes on medium heat and then began adding the 

mushroom and chicken stock a cup at a time ...  once the first cup is absorbed you add the next ... I believe  for the two cups of rice I used almost seven cups of stock ... but always one cup at a time ... tasting until you get the desired consistency. 

The veal was already thin but I pounded it even thinner ... crumbled some dried sage and added some ground pepper .... laid a piece of prosciutto and a slice of gruyere ... folded them up into little bundles and tied them...browned them in butter until just cooked and transferred to a serving vessel ... I then deglazed the pan with a cup of white wine and chicken stock and then reduced the broth with butter until a sauce was rendered. 

     

I wilted multi color swiss chard with a little olive oil, garlic, lemon zest and lemon juice ... 

The plate was not so attractive ... considering you eat with your eyes first ... but the taste was not bad and the melted gruyere inside and the sauce on top was very good ...

Today I started a loaf of "Black Bread" in the morning before I went to church ... I got the recipe off of the site 101 Cookbooks ... the recipe calls for among other things ... finely ground espresso beans, cocoa powder, grated carrots, and rye flour ... too interesting to not try.  It had to rise for 2 hours on the pellet stove and then punch down and reshape and rise another hour a least ... It was a long process but I believe well worth it.  

I also bought a pork tenderloin yesterday ... half went into the freezer ... the other half I cut into 1/2 inch slices and pounded flat ... dredged them in flour that I seasoned with some chipotle seasoning and cayenne pepper.  Then I browned them in butter ... removed them from the pan and added a finely chopped shallot ... added a  little flour to the remaining butter and deglazed the pan with some chicken stock ... added dijon mustard and some sour cream ... a dash more of the spices and salt and pepper.   It wasn't bad ... and grilled asparagus is good served with anything ...

I still have days when only Ben and Jerry can pass my lips ... but I am getting much better about eating.  Trying to be creative helps ... and having a variety of foods on hand so if I have a craving I have something to satisfy it, is also good.  I still have days when I ask myself if I ate anything that day ... but not nearly as many as I had 4 months ago.  

I am addicted to these pickled vegetables ... and these tomolives are suppose to go in a martini ... but I ate a whole jar for breakfast last week ... 60 calories in a whole jar ... pickles green grape tomatoes really doesn't cut it as a meal ... I eat what I can when I can and for right now I'm maintaining my weight I believe ... I have more I can lose ... I just need to do it in more healthy way ... I'm just happy I still have boobs ... those are usually the first thing to go on a woman ... 

All I know is I would not have survived these past 11 months with out my lovers Ben & Jerry ... I just hope I can always love them ... what if the day comes when I must once again avoid them ... look away ... resist them ... someone kill me if that day comes ...

how could I not ...

How do you go from living with someone day in and day out for 19 + years ... feeling like you know them as well as you know yourself ... and then realize ... you don't know them at all ... and in one day everything changes ... and a face ... a presence ... a smell ... that was part of your existence ... is gone.  Stranger still ... how could I wake up two months later and realize that I was happy ... finally truly happy ... alone and happy.  For so many years I just existed ... went through the motions and pretended it was okay ... all of a sudden I was alone but no longer lonely ... and I think that is the saddest part in all of this ... I am less lonely all by myself than I was when I was married.  At first I was angry ... any woman would be ... but after those two months I was so grateful ... I got my life back ... my life ... me.  I was no longer in this thing ... this facade. Having my identity back is brilliant ... radiant even ... sometimes I actually feel like I shine.  People keep telling me I look different ... yeah my hair is blonder ... and I have lost 50 pounds ... but that's not it ... I smile ... my face smiles and my heart smiles ... sometimes when I wake up in the morning and I realize where I am and who I am ... I start to giggle ... I know that may make me sound crazy ... but it's true ... I can't help it ... it just feels good to be happy.  I was told by a good friend that the boomerang would happen ... and it has started. Oh sure there will be bad and sad times ... I'm not naive ... I'm not a fool ... but I am equip to handle it all ...  my time has come ... this is when I will get my just desserts ... my happiness is coming ... it's already here ... I've waited a long time for it ... all that has happened to me or not happened to me in the last 30 years is over and as my 4 year old nephew Zachary told me months ago "you're not old aunt Sharon ... you're brand new" ... and this new start is genius ... brilliant ... pissa ... just saying ..........

I saw him tonight for the first time in several months ... I had the taxes done last night and he had to sign them ... the return will cover the cost of the divorce ... ironic ... It wasn't at all what I expected. It was so strange to see this person who I lived with for all those years ... so familiar and yet so foreign.  I thanked him ... and I meant it.  I am so happy now ... I'm living and breathing again.  I don't think he is as happy as I am ... hopefully that will come in time.  I am keenly aware now that we have just one life ... there is no dress rehearsal ... this is it ... and we all need to live like we don't have a tomorrow ... because we never know.  I hope that if someone out there is not happy with their life and they read this ... they will know there is hope ... change is hard and tears will fall ... but in the end ... your life can be brilliant ... glow ... it is all worth it in the end.  He told me I was his best friend and that he misses me ... and I finally understand ... people fall out of love just as easily as they fall in ... I wish he was as happy as I am ... I hope he will be ... and that is the truth ... how could I not ...