One year ago today ........

One year ago today (here) at 8:15 a.m. I changed the locks on my house ... and then I changed my life ... I've said all I have to say throughout the past year ... put down here were my thoughts, tears and pain as well as my discovery, growth and joy ... thought I may go into more detail about what happened ... but why ... those that need to know the details know ... everyone else can speculate and draw conclusions based on lies ... if they want to ... but I don't care ... I know the truth and that's all that matters ... now I just have a few more things to say ... and then that's it ... I don't think I will mention it again ... I don't need to anymore ... my life is different and I have more important people and things to turn my attention to ...

I'm still standing ... yeah yeah yeah

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger ... stand a little taller

This is the part of me that you're never gonna take away from me ... that was then and this is now

Okay I'm done now ... Let's talk about something else ...

  

Shannon .....

I realized recently that I have done posts about Amber, Jenna, Lucas and Zachary ... but I have never done one about Shannon.   Shannon is my brother Al's second oldest.  Shannon and I are a lot alike ... She loves to cook ... very sensitive ... fiercely protective of those she cares for ... very creative ... and she loves a good laugh.  Shannon and I were like oil and water when she was a kid ... looking back it makes me feel horrible ... after all I was the adult and she was a child and I am sure now she was just looking for some attention ... I wish that I had not gotten frustrated with her and just hugged her ... that's what I would do today ... we live and learn and sometimes we have regrets ... I have regrets when it comes to Shannon ... she is the sweetest young woman and so much fun to be with.  I don't get to see her much ... she is a CPA and lives in Newport Beach California ... she is due for a visit here and as soon as I am able I am going to visit her.  Magoo in my head I'm hugging you ... you have no idea how much I love you and I would do anything for you ... you are very, very special to me and I hope you know that ... love you shanney.

My Nana ...

My grandmother Bessie would have been 106 today.  She was very special to me and I was special to her.  My grandfather and she were true soul mates ... if there are such things.  I was born shortly after he died and I was a bright spot in those sad days.  My name was suppose to be Caroline ... my mom had it all picked out but when my grandfather James (Seamus) died right before I was born they named me after him ... and 2 years later they named my brother James ... He must have been a very special guy to have both a grandaughter and a grandson named after him.  I promised Nana before she died that if I had a boy I would name him James Beck ______ whatever the last name of the father was.  But that promise remains unfulfilled ... I am sure she would have understood.   She was an amazing woman ... very strong and very funny ... She told great stories ... and sang silly songs.  She once told me about a man who was painting her father's house and he was complaining about having to go up and down the ladder every time he had to move over to the next spot to paint ... when he was finished with the spot he was working on and started down she told him to stay where he was and she picked up the ladder with him on it and moved it over a few feet ... and when he yelled at her she just laughed.  I spent most weekends as a kid at my nana's house.  One of my favorite memories from childhood is waking up and seeing her sitting by the open window in the bedroom at dawn ... I got up and went over to her and she put me on her lap and said "listen to the birds talk to each other"... and we sat not saying a word for a long time just listening to the birds talk to each other ... my favorite silly song she sang was about the moon ... 


I googled it and found this: 

My sweetheart's the man in the moon
I'm going to marry him soon
'Twould fill me with bliss just to give him one kiss
But I know that a dozen I never would miss
I'll go up in a great big balloon
And see my sweetheart in the moon
Then behind some dark cloud, where no one is allowed,
I'll make love to the man in the moon.

Her version was:

My sweethearts the man in the moon
I'm going to marry him soon
and oh the bliss of that wonderful
a thousand and one I never would miss
I'm going up in a balloon
my sweethearts the man in the moon

I think she made it into a PG version for me and omitted making love to him behind the dark clouds ...


I think of her often ... she didn't have the easiest life ... she worked hard ... and went without ... lost the love of her life at an early age ... but I have never in my life met anyone who loved their partner in life as much as she loved my grandfather and from what she told me the feeling was mutual ... to me that makes her the luckiest person that ever lived ... love like that doesn't happen very often ...

Thank You Friends.....

It was just about a year ago that I called my friend Barnaby and said basically ... "talk me off this ledge" ... Barney and I have been friends for 27 years ... the last time I saw him was 25 years ago ... but not seeing friends doesn't make them any less friends ... he talked me off the ledge ... and carried me many months to safety ... and since that time I have re-connected with old friends and made new friends that have also helped me along this journey ... some of these friends I have known since high school ... it amazes me how someone you knew when you where 17 can be such an important influence at the age of 50 ... (well I'll be 49 in a few weeks ... but who's counting) ... some friends are brand new ...others are friends I've known for years ... my friends Joan, Shirley and Candice make me laugh at myself ... in spite of myself ... and make me look deep into myself ...  my friend Donna has opened my eyes and made me see life in it's sometimes cold, hard state ... she was the one who said  "go home and research"  ... my best friend and sister Lisa has been my rock ... she has literally carried me this past year ... she and our friend Carmela made me walk through the woods for the first few months and just ponder ... and in the past few months I have been in touch with another old friend who has made me realize that I am not old ... and not boring ... and not worthless ... I am young and exciting and valued ... and I realize now that all this pain I had was not in vain and that it is not in my time that things happen ... but God's or the universe or the higher power that controls all things ... whatever your own religious  belief or life style chooses to call it ... there are forces in the universe ... and in the end ... it is each and every thing we see, feel and do that shape who we are and what we become ... and I would not be who I am if I had not gone through every experience in my life ... I have become very aware this past year that it not in the giant moments ... but in the small quite ones that life is lived at its best.  There are so many wonderful people who have been so good to me this past year ... and I could name each and every one ...  but I have not received a shiny gold statue ... although I do believe in many ways I deserve one ... so I will not bore my readers any further ... I just wanted to take this opportunity on the 1st anniversary of my new life to thank my mom and siblings, my sisters in law, nieces and nephews, pretend children and all my wonderful friends for the love and support ... last March when this was still so fresh I was asked how I was coping and I said "I heard once that when a woman is left she either shrivels up and dies or she blossoms ... I intend to blossom" ... I can hear my sister in my head right now ... you were not left ... you asked him to leave ... I believe I have blossomed and I continue to bloom ... and it feels good ...

March again ...

I was born in the month of March as was my Grandmother ... as a child I loved the fact that this incredibly special person in my life and I got to celebrate our birthdays together.  My grandmother was born on the 20th and she always referred to herself as a spring chicken.  I love the spring everything dead comes alive again ... the snow and cold slowly go away and the hope of warm, sunny days and flowers are ahead ... and it all starts in March. 

In January of last year I had a EKG at my doctors office and it came back abnormal.  I was sent to a cardiologist and a stress test was performed.  The second week of March I met with the cardiologist who told me that just to be safe he wanted to run additional tests ... something just wasn't right.  The third week of March I discovered my husband of 19 years was having an affair.  The fourth week of March I had another stress test and echo cardiogram and asked my husband to leave.  The fifth week of March I turned 48 and was told my heart was fine ... I said to the doctor ... "really? ... because it feels like it's been ripped from my chest and stomped on."

So here it is again ... March one year later ... and I am reminded of that children's book by Dr. Seuss "Oh The Places You'll Go" ... because in the last year I truly have gone places ... and on the other side of this year I am grateful for every step and every tear and every smile and every belly laugh ... and oh the places I have yet to go...

some words from the book that struck me ...........

You have brains in your head.
You have feet in your shoes
You can steer yourself
any direction you choose.
You're on your own. And you know what you know.
And YOU are the guy who'll decide where to go.

And when you're alone, there's a very good chance
you'll meet things that scare you right out of your pants.
There are some, down the road between hither and yon,
that can scare you so much you won't want to go on.

And will you succeed?
Yes! You will, indeed!
(98 and 3 / 4 percent guaranteed.)

KID, YOU'LL MOVE MOUNTAINS!

So...
be your name Buxbaum or Bixby or Bray
or Mordecai Ali Van Allen O'Shea,
you're off to Great Places!
Today is your day!
Your mountain is waiting.
So...get on your way!