The Year In Review .......

Funny this year ... 2011 ... strangest year I have lived through ... I have had roughly 48 years and I have never had one like this.  I've had really bad ones and really good ones ... but nothing like 2011. I have never had my entire world change in one year ... I have changed ... my life ... my health ... everything.  I honestly didn't think people could change ... I always believed that fundamentally people were who they were at the core ... you can change the color of your hair ... your dress size ... but inside you remain who you are.  I am still Sharon ... I still have the same sense of humor ... I just use it more ... laugh more ... I see more ... I taste more ... and I feel now ... It's like I had one eye closed a year ago and today both are open and I can see twice as many colors as I could a year ago.  So odd that what I thought was living was not ... that I chewed food and swallowed it but never really tasted it.   I feel like George Bailey ... and it really is a wonderful life.  Odder still is looking back at the blog a year ago today ... 12-31-10 ... and seeing what I had planned for the coming year ... and having no idea what was really coming ... I managed to do all that I had set out to do ... but none even remotely in the way I thought.  The snow globe that was my life a year ago didn't just get shaken and set back down on the table ... it was hurled against a brick wall and smashed into a million pieces with water and fake snow flying in all directions ... and from the embers that remained of the fire something different grew ... something infinitely better ... my life.  There were 5 things that I said I would do in the year 2011 ... #1 Acupuncture - I continued it every Wednesday ... I was being treated for my neck a year ago but April  through June I was treated for grief ... and son of a bitch ... it really works.  I don't know how those little needles do what they do but I am better for having it every Wednesday.   #2 I promised to eat better and loose weight ... well I can say I am eating better ... when I can eat ... I've lost over 50 lbs and I feel I look better ... not the exact way I had planned to loose the weight ... I think once the divorce is final I'll be able to eat normally again ... but I will never gain the weight back.  #3 Exercise  - I said this was going to be the hard one for me ... turns out it is the easiest ... with my new life I needed extra income so I got the cleaning job ... vacuuming a football field and washing a floor the size of Fenway Park every week I have muscles in places I didn't think I had muscles.  #4 going to be more present in my life ... HELLO ... say no more ... #5 Paint - this one I really didn't do a lot of ... I did paint the switch box and now that the holidays are over there is a large canvas on my easel with the under painting started ... that I am doing for my good friend Donna.  It's of a path in the woods ... another new thing I love to do ... explore the woods near my home.  This year I have made new friends ... and rediscovered old friends ... and realized the value of friends ... and how a true friend will let you cry when your sad and laugh with you when your happy.  There are a few lessons I've learned this year ... one is to know the quality of someones character ... make sure you know who your dealing with ... make sure someone is genuine.  The next is honesty ... I vowed this year that I will never be in a relationship with family, friends or a lover that is not based in honesty ... never again will I be with anyone in any capacity that says "I don't want to talk about it" ... and last but not least I am a good girl ... always have been and always will be ... but I break rules now!

Christmas 2011

Christmas Eve 2011 - I woke at 6:00 a.m. so unlike me ... it was with mixed emotions that I faced the day.  Cooking always makes me feel good and I spent most of the day doing that.  I prepared the Swedish herring my grandfather made every Christmas Eve ... cookies my mom taught me to make when I was a little girl ... and some of my own creations.  I was relaxed and happy.  But there were some tears throughout the day ... there were people who have been part of Christmas Eve for years that would not be here this year... and  I always miss my brother Al and his family at Christmas ... the last time we were all together at Christmas was 20 years ago.

My friend Donna and her daughter Brenna came early and helped me ... and made me laugh.  They had a very interesting gift for me.  I was surrounded by family and friends and I was happy and content.  Most of these people carried me in some way through the last 9 months and I could not have gotten through without them ... and that is the truth.  I was fine ... great ... until this guy walked through the door and then I lost it ... I felt the tears coming as soon as I saw him.  Stephen is a cousin of Joe's and always stopped by on Christmas Eve ... I hadn't invited any of Joe's family this year, (except for the Delaney's ... Katie and Nancy are like sisters to me now) because I didn't want to make it weird for them ... didn't want them to feel awkward in any way ... It was strange not having his siblings here ... I always loved how my sister Lisa would shamelessly flirt with Joe's brother Kevin, while his wife was a few feet away ... Stephen said Callie told him I was doing Christmas Eve and he should come by ... I love that he did ...

Stephen and Mary

 Katie and Nancy

There was no tension and no stress ... there was no bucket of chicken on the table and no bathmats wrapped under the tree ... and thanks to mom and Lisa there were 10 different types of cookies ... someone said I thought you weren't going to go all out with the food this year ... and I said "I didn't do the shrimp this year." 

Six of my women friends stayed a while after everyone else had gone ... they helped me put the food away and then we talked and  laughed ... it was good to just laugh. 

Christmas day my family goes to my brother Jim house for dinner.  As soon as I stepped in the house I informed Zachary it was time for a secret meeting ... he knows this means I have a piece of Chocolate and he would follow me to the end of the earth.  The kid is a chocolate connoisseur at the age of 4 ... nothing but the best ... and this was good stuff, a friend gave me a box a few weeks ago and I have been rationing it out to myself ... Zachary is the only person I have shared it with ... so I give him the first piece and he pops the  entire pieces in his mouth ... then his eyes opened wide and he nodded ... and I knew he was mine for the day. 

notice the chocolate mustache 

He wanted the next piece, but I told him he had to eat dinner first and then we could have the next one ... all day he announced to everyone I love aunt Sharon today ... I'm sitting next to aunt Sharon at dinner.  After he ate the last required piece of food at dinner he grabbed my hand and said "it's time for that meeting!"  Once the Chocolate was gone he of course went looking for Auntie Lisa. 

Jim and Caroline

Carl's girlfriend Sheri and Caroline

 Jim and Carl

I thought the holidays would be difficult this year ... but I was just fine ... there were a few tears, but mostly happy tears.  My friend and Mentor Nunzio called me a few days before Christmas.  Nunzio was an art teacher of mine and has been part of my life for more than thirty years.  He called to tell me that he got my card and that he had not sent out any this year and then told me that his youngest brother had died the day before.  He was going to spend the winter in Florida with another brother and wanted to get together as soon as he got back.  He asked how I was and I told him.  "I'm happier than I have ever been before in my life... everyday I find something new and wonderful to celebrate ... that not one moment in my life is wasted anymore ... and no matter what ... I will be happy and I will smile and I will laugh."  He then told me that he was proud of me ... that most people would be bitter and angry and miserable after going through what I went through ... and the fact that I rose above it makes me amazing and then we both cried ... the fact that this wonderful man is proud of me ... was just too much.

So Christmas is over ... thank God ... I need vegetables and fruit and yogurt ... and no more meat and cheese and cookies.   I feel like a human slug!

Less Stress ...

Usually I am very stressed at this time of year ... I have myself under the gun to get it all done.  I started to stress a few weeks ago when I realized it was December and not September.  I rambled on and on to my boss about how much I had to do ... the list of things I needed to accomplish before Christmas Eve.  Finally she said, "Sharon ... you don't HAVE to do anything." "You've had a tough year ... not one friend or family member is going to judge you." A wave of relief swept over me ... I don't HAVE to do anything ... God I love my new life.

I put up the tree ... decorated the mantle and I have a few decorations up in the living room ... and that's it.  I'm not doing the rest of the house ... I just don't feel like it.  I went shopping for the first time yesterday and got a few things I thought people would really like ... I can't spent a lot of money ... I don't have a lot of money ... but my loved ones will understand.  I tried really hard to smile and be nice to strangers.  Most people looked so stressed ... and I thought that's how I looked last year ... miserable.  

I got my cards done which was a difficult thing for me ... every year I make my own cards ... writing some out were very emotional for me ... but it's done ... life can't be all smiles ... there are tears too ...

So if on Christmas eve there are not 10 different types of cookies and just a bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken in the middle of the table ... I expect my guest to tell me the chicken was delicious ... and I hope everyone enjoys their new bathmats this year!   Ho Ho Ho ..............

The Stump ...

Sharing this may make me seem insane ... but it's part of who I am now ... I tell the truth ... I bare my soul ... and I take no prisoners.  For those of you who have had the pleasure of picking out a Christmas tree with me ... know that I am picky.  It usually take a good hour ... in the cold ... and I revisit the same ones over and over.  For the last 19 years I have driven those closest to me crazy.  My sister Lisa offered to help me this year and she confessed later that she told her boss she was praying for patience.  Last night we went and there were hundreds of trees before me and I took the third one I looked at ... 3 minutes and I had my tree.  I dragged it up to have the end cut off ... and like a punch in the gut it struck me ... the stump.  On December 21st I will be married 20 years or I should say would have been married ... technically ... legally ... I'll still be married.  Because we got married right before Christmas and I used to be an old softy ... when that first stump was cut off ... I grabbed it and saved it. 

Every year after I saved the stump and put the year on it.  The plan was to burn them on our 10th anniversary ... but when that date came I couldn't do it ... "so we'll do it on our 20th I said".  

The guy hoisted the tree up and said "how much should I cut off" I told him 4 inches ... he took the chain saw and cut ... I watched the stump drop ... and I left it there ... and didn't look back.

This morning I took the stumps from 1991 to 2010 and put them in a large basket.  I can't burn them but I don't need them anymore.  Then I remembered that scene from my favorite movie Harold and Maude ... Harold and Maude are sitting on a dock and Harold gives Maude something and she tells him how much she loves it and then throws it in the water and says "now I'll always know where it is."  I decided to throw them into the woods behind my house.

There is joy and pain in the last 19 years and I can't forget them by burning them ... but they are behind me now ... not with me ... 

Now I will always know where they are ...

No more tears ...

This building looks perfectly harmless.  It's actually very plain on the outside, nothing frightening about it at all.  The inside is beautiful ... the oak woodwork is simply gorgeous.  I have had to go into this building maybe 7 or 8 times over the past 9 months ... and every time I do when I'm leaving I barley get the huge oak door open to the outside without starting to cry.  The first 3 visits were the worst I could hardly manage to step outside before I would just start sobbing trying to get to my car ... people staring at me ... I must have looked insane.  Each time it was easier, but always I would cry ... the past few times I didn't sob but had to brush tears away and swallow hard to keep it from coming.  Yesterday I had to drop off some papers.  I pushed that huge oak door in and stepped in.  The reception area is just inside the big door ... the secretary smiled and said hello Sharon ... I said hello ... would you see that my attorney gets these papers please ... thank you ... I turned, open the door, walked down the stairs and stopped ... I wasn't crying ... I was smiling ... I'm not afraid anymore ... I'm going to be fine ... no matter what ... 

Time with Mom ...

When I was a little girl I wanted to be an only child ... I love my siblings very much, I always have ... but I just wanted my mom all to myself.  I remember asking her if she would do something with just me and not the other kids.  Time alone with her was precious to me.  There wasn't a lot of it, she had five and we all needed her.  It's funny now I seem to be the one that spends the most time with her.  I try and have lunch with her a couple days a week, she cooks and sets the little table in her kitchen and always has fancy pretty paper napkins ... always pours me a glass of milk and tells me to drink it ... "it's good for you"... (I'm 48)  I don't get to spend as much time with her as I did before ... because of the new life I work a lot more. One of the things we do together that the other sib's are not involved in ... is the graves.  We plant the flowers on memorial day and we put the wreathes on the stones at Christmas.      

My father's mother Mary was an Eaton ... my brother Al and I have done a genealogy and we are directly 

descended from Jonas Eaton who helped to found the towns of Reading and Wakefield.

My father and brother Al both have Eaton as their middle name.

 This cemetery is in Wakefield ... 

This is my father's dad's stone ... Forestdale in Malden 

I have always found the wording disturbing and odd ...

as if they each belonged to him ...

My great grandfather Alfred Jacobson came to this country from Sweden.

He had two wives Annie and Torborge ... Annie was my grandfathers mother. 

My dad is buried in Woodlawn in Everett ...

My mom's sister is also buried there ...

There is mom putting the wreath on dad's grave ... 

If she finds out I took this she will be pissed ...

This is mom's parents ... James died just before I was born ... 

My grandmother loved him ... she cried every time she talked about him ... I want that kind of love ... 

As we left my mom's parent grave I said "Your so lucky ... you had the greatest parents" ... 

Mom said "I really did" ... "Mine sucked" I said and we both laughed ... 

Two Birthdays ... old and young ...

Today I celebrated two birthdays.  Two of my favorite people in the whole world. The first was my Aunt Callie ... she turned 93 today.  She is not my aunt biologically, she is Joe's aunt.  I have dinner with Callie most Tuesday nights.  I have since Joe and I ended back in March.    Her granddaughter (my friend Katie) was already having dinner with her every Tuesday night and they insisted I join them. Callie took the break up very hard and I think she just wanted to make sure I was alright.  Seeing me on a regular basis lets her know I am OK ... and if it makes her happy to see me, I am happy to do it.  A good meal every Tuesday isn't bad either.  It's strange most of the time I still can't eat very well ... I don't think I will till the whole thing is over ... but I eat on Tuesdays.  She was unhappy with the way things ended with Joe ... she raised him for the most part, his mom died when he was five and Callie made sure the kids left behind were taken care of. She says "I raised him better than this" I have tried several times to have her release her anger ... carrying anger is not good for anyone.  She is mad and I understand that, but she meant so much to Joe.  He called her once and she let him know that she thought he made a mistake and she was angry with him.  I've told him to try again ... I don't want him to have regrets when she goes.  I think even if she still says she's mad ... at least she will know how much he cares if he keeps trying ... but he only called the one time.  I stopped by her house around 11:00 and dropped off a dozen roses, a card and some scalloped oysters for her.  What do you give someone who is 93 and has everything they need.  She told me last Tuesday that she loved oysters ... so I made her some ... kind of a weird birthday gift but she was happy.  I found out later today that Joe sent her flowers ... I'm really glad he did ... she must know he cares and misses her.

Callie reading the card I got her ... 

the picture on the table next to her is Callie, her sister Theresa and Joe ... on our wedding day.

  

I left Callie's and rushed home to make a salad to bring to the next birthday party ... my nephew Zachary will be 4 tomorrow.  Today was one of the days he enjoyed the company of Auntie Lisa over aunt sharon.  His mom Caroline and my brother Jim always throw great parties and Caroline is a great cook.  I was trying to be festive and up, but I have a lot on my mind, and spent a great deal of time just thinking.  One thing that struck me was how much Callie and Zach mean to me and how different the two characters are.  Callie has lived 93 years and has basically seen it all ... she has wisdom and knowledge ... and has lived through so much pain and joy ... she teaches me things about life every time I am with her.  Zachary is so young and looks at the world with such wonder and amazement ... he has so much to learn and so much life to still live ... he teaches me things about life every time I am with him.   They are so different and yet so much the same in what they give to me.

This was the face when we sang happy birthday ...

This was the face when I said "smile"

I said "hey ...  no fair that's not a real smile"

he said "I just want cake aunt sharon"