Paint Chips.....

Joe is gone....been gone since March 23.  Feels really weird to say it out loud.  20 years is a long time...  It's kinda like quitting smoking was for me....in order to get through it I had to change the way I did things.  When I stopped smoking I couldn't drink beer or coffee anymore because I wanted to smoke when I drank those things.... never was a wine drinker now I love the stuff.  So that's how it is .... you just have to do things differently .... maybe not forever but till you get through it.  The one thing I haven't been able to do is stop buying milk....I've gone from gallons to 1/2 gallons but I still throw it away every other week.  Whole unopened 1/2 gallons of 1% milk down the drain.  I've got one in there right now just itching to go bad....promised myself I would make yogurt tonight.  I packed up all of his things and he came and got the last of it a week ago.  So I need to change things in the house so it's different.... like beer to wine.  All that is left in the front bedroom is the rugs, the rocking chair and the cat bed.  When I was in college (Mass College of Art) I took a class (no lie) "Advanced Color Theory" which always sounded to me like "Outdoor Breathing" but I actually learned a lot about color.  One thing I learned was to never paint a room pink.  The color pink can make some people go a little nuts if they spend too much time in it.  Well this is to be the guest room so maybe people won't stay as long.....  The paint chip does not say pink by the by the color is called "Embroidery"  and the green trim is called "Sanctuary" and yes I picked them partly because of the names.  That is my dream job by the way to sit in a cube some where and name colors.

So I'll paint the room and I have an antique dresser waiting to be refinished, and the antique twin beds that were mine when I was little, a handmade bookcase that I got when I lived in Italy and the room will be different and new. A few months ago I was playing with my nephew Zachary who is 3 and I told him I couldn't do something because I was too old and he said "you're not old Aunt Sharon your brand new" the kid is very bright.........

The Beach......

Sometimes lately it amazes me how little living I actually did during the last 20 years.  I became this being that went through the motions but didn't feel much.  Like chewing and swallowing without ever tasting.  I can't really blame anyone but myself....I was trapped in a life and thought there was no way out...and I stayed there because I was a good girl.  In that world I had fears and phobias that grew...because that life fed on them.  I had no reason to think that anything would change....I truly thought that was that .... end of the line.....live this life till you die.  In the last four months I've started to taste again and I can feel too.  

Those of you that know me know that I wear a brace on my right ankle....have for years.  When I was 9 years old I broke my ankle twisted it while walking in ice skates.   The Dr. back then said it was a chip bone fracture.  What they didn't say was the the chip of bone that broke off also had one of my ligaments attached to it.  For the next 30 odd years I twisted that ankle over and over again.  The pain, as those of you that have twisted an ankle know, is pretty bad.  It got to the point where I could stand still and my ankle would just pop out hit the floor and snap back in.  I twisted it so many times that it is twice the size of the other one and it was always purple and bruised.    I had a brace that I would wear after a bad twist while it healed.  I started having flashback like episodes sometimes and could actually feel pain even though I hadn't twisted it.  So I just started wearing the drug store brace all the time.  I thought I was loosing my mind .... so when I turned 40 I thought this is ridiculous, I can't live the rest of my life wearing this brace and imagining that I going to twist my ankle all the time!  So I made an appointment with a psychiatrist who specialized in fear and phobias.  Told him the long tale and he looked very seriously at me and said after what seemed like forever "have you seen an orthopedic"  and my response "ahhhhh actually no, I haven't" he said "I'd start there".  So I made an appointment with an orthopedic, who was really nice and showed me the x-rays of my poor ankle and explained that it has no working ligaments and I had every right to be afraid that it could twist at anytime.  Went to physical therapy to help strengthen the muscle around the ankle but there is nothing that can be done.  He could try to do surgery but it may limit my ability to use the ankle.  I also  got a prescription for a custom made brace, which is what I use now (actually due for a new one.) For the last 8 years I have worn that brace  on my ankle all of my waking hours.  Until a few weeks ago..... the fear of twisting it is not as bad as the pain I experienced 4 months ago.   The pain of 4 months ago is so much stronger than any other pain I can think of and I lived through that and I survived and somehow that broke the hold it had on me.  So yes I still wear my brace to work and when I am outside because if I step on the smallest pebble I could twist it, that's reality. But in my house I now walk around without the brace and that is freedom.  The point is if I do twist it I know I can handle the pain, and dancing around my house without that brace on is so much fun. 

I haven't gone to the beach in almost 20 years.....for many reasons, my dad had several skin cancers removed  so I was afraid of that, the brace on the ankle....so yes mostly fear.  I loved the beach as a kid and a young adult.  I lived in Sicily for a time when I was in my 20s and sunbathed at Taormina which was a topless beach, sunburned nipples not fun!  I went to the beach today and it was wonderful.  I was excited to be able to walk carefully down to the water without the brace but as it turns out the beach was all rocky so I had to wear it but I didn't care I was at the beach.  There is something about salt water that just heals.  

 my poor right foot and my brace ... according to my nephew Zachary nice sparkly nail polish 

Mojito!

It's been awhile since I did a drink recipe..... and nothing says summer like the mojito.   Simple and cool.

 The mint I grew myself....the limes no.....

 to muddle is an art ... and a pain in the butt......

 to a handful of muddled mint add about a 1/4 of a cup of simple syrup and muddle more

simple syrup 1 cup sugar to 1 cup water and bring to heat till sugar melts

 add the juice of 2 good sized lime that have lots of juice (some limes are dry you need about 1/4 cup)

 now add the rum...dealers choice... and a full bottle of lime seltzer

Dinner with Donna......

Some of you may remember my post about my friend Donna (link) she is a very dear friend and is always there when I need help.  I made dinner for us the other night, nothing fancy, we are simple girls.

 panzanella

 lemon rosemary chicken

I also made a green salad and some lemon pepper noodles.  We ate, laughed and had a little wine .... then we looked at my year book and the boys we coulda shoulda woulda dated.  The funniest was finding the boy we had in common and never knew about....so funny.  OK .... so we are giggling and have the wine glow and now it was down to the real business of the night.   How to get the box spring out of my front bedroom down the stairs and out to the trash....it was a bit of a pickle and at that moment I wished I wasn't pickled, Donna however thought it could only help!  We are both very strong and have always worked well together.  We have done it all from putting a crib together (21 years ago) to disposing of a dead mouse, you name I think we've done it.  We got it started but then it got stuck and it remained stuck for what seemed like forever.  Then we huffed and puffed and got it back up.  Now the dismantling began ....crow bar to wood, we got all the slats off, but still no go.  There are only three things in this world that a women needs to fix any problem.....duct tape, a dremel and her brain.  For this job we did not need duct tape.  Nothing has ever been as satisfying as the sound of the wood snapping after we sawed it and pushed it against the door jamb.  Now folded in half we dragged it out to the trash.... as I was taking these photos Donna told to get back inside crack a beer and scratch my balls I deserved it!  I love her!

the little things

I've discovered so much about myself in the past four months.  Four months ago I was afraid, and I'm not afraid anymore.  I've always talked about myself as being a materialistic person, but I'm really not.  I like my pretty things but I'd throw them all away for a friends any day.  A few years back my mom had to sell the house I grew up in, we had all moved out or away, my dad had died and it was just too big for her.  Every time I drove by that house I would cry, and then my sister Lisa's boyfriend died.  I never cried over that house again, it was just a place where we had happy memories, but Harvey was Harvey.  One of the many things I have discovered in the last four months about myself is that I truly love the little things.  I love the fact that I grew my little lawn.

I love that I grew these green beans and peas and ate them raw for supper.

I love that chocolate make my nephew so happy, and that he knows when ever possible I will give it to him.

I love that he knows that he can stick his tongue out and I won't tell his mom.

I really love this.... three and a half months ago I was mad at God.  I've been told by many learned people that it's OK to be mad at God ..... he's tough he can take it.  But most people when they are mad at God get to the point when they realize it's not Gods fault...this thing your upset with, and he may be able to help....... So I was raking one Sunday morning when I should have been at church and I said (in my head cause the neighbors already think I'm crazy) I'm not mad at you God just as the rake pulled a pile of dead leaves off of this.  Well I picked it up and wiped it off and then said (in my head with my head tilted to the sky) Oh  your listening....... I'll go back to church next week. This is the cross my sister got me at the Vatican last year....I keep it on my window sill in the kitchen so I couldn't figure out how it got outside.  I went in to put it back on the window sill but my cross was already there.  So I had one from my sister and one from God.  I gave one to a friend, I thought it might help him too.

Happy 4th of July.......

Had to buy a new one....my old one was faded and you just can't do that to old glory.  What a great day!  I made lunch for my mom, sister and brother.

 Roasted corn, mini tomatoes, celery, onion, parsley and basil and a splash of dressing....

 Potato salad with, dill pickle, celery, onion, capers, dijon mustard and olive oil mayo (gotta be healthy)....

 Dover sole stuffed with cornbread stuffing and of course the every popular and so unhealthy grilled dog

(on a roll.....just like they serve them at Fenway .... Barnaby)

Then off I went with my sister Lisa to the May/Delaney party.  This family knows how to have a good time.  All the girls made these incredible desserts and I had to be the judge as to which one was the best baker.  Well I am not a sweet person, no I am a sweet person I just don't really like sweet food.  All were very tasty but Lisa Delaney LaRiviere made the most incredible strawberry cake that had cognac in it ....... it was really good.  This is Callie (the Delaney girls grandmother) holding the winning bakers baby...... 

She is the most beautiful baby......

It was a great day with family and the long weekend went by too fast.... by the time I got home it was too late to do any yard work and my head was a little fuzzy from the whip cream vodka and orange soda that Katie Delaney made me (thank you Kate).   Just wanted to post a few pics of the yard for my friend Joan..... the first one is the glass orb she gave me next to my new light orbs....

 Bleeding hearts.....

 Green beans

 English peas

As most of you know my life has changed recently and I have become even more frugal....

This proves that God works in mysterious ways......I told myself not to buy flowers for the window

boxes this year because I couldn't afford it..... so God took care of it for me... 

have no idea where these little yellow flower came from....

Happy 4th everyone!