Who the hell are you?

Just saying ... I mean ... who are you???  I know having a blog is a public thing ... anyone can look at it and read it ... I understand why my friends and family do ... some people ... like my brother Al and my hairdresser Jenn ... even tell me how much they like it ... my sister-in-law Judy gets a chuckle when I do something crazy ... but it amazes me that there are people out there that I don't know that read my blog.  I understand the hits I get from the post about the Patron Citronge Margarita yum because if someone googles Patron Citronge Margarita my blog post appears.  So I get hits from all over the world on that one.  What boggles my mind is the folks that come back ... folks I don't think I know ... because I am pretty darn sure I don't know anyone from Royersford Pennsylvania or Council Bluffs Iowa ... But these two places show up on my live traffic feed a lot ... and there are others ... that I think ... I don't anyone that lives there ... who are these people and what makes them come back.  So I'm asking you whoever you are ... who are you Royersford  Pennsylvania and Council Bluffs Iowa ... and what is it that brings you back ... I would love to hear from you ... just saying ... 

Patron Citronge Margarita from last March

Hooker Heels

There are parts of the new me that really take some getting use to ... this whole fearless thing ... amazing to me ... walking outside without my brace ... huge ... maybe not to anyone else ... but to me ... huge!  I'll never forget the first day I did it.  I had just bought these new boots  here  and I was meeting an old friend for lunch and I really wanted to wear them.  My brace didn't fit in them and I said @#&* it ... I'm wearing these boots ... and I can still feel myself walking down the street looking at him and thinking ..."Please God ... don't let my ankle give out ... don't let me fall"... I haven't yet ... and if I do ... I'll live.  

I have been wanting a black pair of boots ... I know exactly what I want and can't find them ... someday.  For now I found these ...

Donna was with me and she was trying to find me what I wanted and telling me which boots not to look at because they cost too much.  

As we walked around and looked at all the shoes I'll never be able to wear because of my ankle ... I started to think ... hell I could wear these shoes ... I just can't walk in them ... no reason I can't buy them ... put them on and then lay on the sofa ... so that's what I'm going to do!  I'm going to buy a killer pair of hooker heels and lay on the sofa and admire my shoes!

If I'm going to do it ... I should get the sparkly ones!

I know myself pretty well ... just pictured me laying on the sofa admiring the shoes ... 

and then my foot goes into a cramp because it's not use to being in heels ...

I fling the shoe off breaking an antique lamp ... that's what would happen ...

I may need to rethink this ...

  

OK ... help me stop ...

In my recent cheating with the cigarettes ... I'm not lying about it ... I've been very honest ... I've had tons of comment and questions ... "Jake what the hell are you doing?" ... "Why after 11 years would you do this?" ... "you have to stop this!" ... "if it makes you happy right now just do it" ... "idiot!" ... and most recently "you can't be perfect, look at all your going through" ... see that one right there is a killer ... and to the addicts mind a beautiful statement ... hell ... look at what I'm going through ... the lawyer ... pending court ... worrying about money ... etc.  But that's just it ... I know the addicts mind and allowing myself to believe I deserve to smoke is like laying down my weapon and allowing myself to get shot.  I called my friend AnneMarie a week ago ... she helped me quit twice before ... 18 years ago and 11 years ago.  After my dad was killed in a car wreak in 1997 I started again.  I smoked for a couple of years and then quit again.  Just like the last time I am only smoking a few a day (most days ... we are being honest here ... sometimes it's more than a few) and it's only been 4 months.    Talking to her was good ... she reminded me of some of the help she gave me in the past and reminded me of how much better I feel when I am not smoking.  It's true ... there is poison in cigarettes and it settles in and makes you feel sick and your head hurt and it's so subtle that you don't even realize ... until the poison is gone from your system.  The problem is when I am smoking, Chandler Bing creeps in and as I blow the smoke out I go ....Ahhhhhhhh.  I just need to make a plan ... pick a day and do it.  I keep thinking about how healthy I try to be .... I limit red meat and I practically live on fruits, vegetables and grains ... wtf am I doing to myself ... I cough ... have trouble sleeping because of it ... it stinks ... and it costs 8 bucks a pack and I am a tight wad ... and yet the thought of giving it up is killing me ... My boss asked me 4 months ago when I confessed my sin (the boss is a minister) "why ... what is it that your getting out of it?" ... the only answer I had was "because I can and I break rules now" ... in some sick way I am rebelling against myself almost ... I can't quite put my finger on it ... so that's where I am at ... I need to figure it out and stop ... and soon ... I welcome any help I can get ... don't judge me ... just help me ... comments are welcome ...

Time with the Kids ...

God didn't give me children of my own ... what he did do is place really special kids in my life that I could be a mother to.  Yesterday I got to spend time with one of them and today another one.  Carl and Erika are two in the handful of kids that I consider part mine.  I refer to these two as my pretend children.  Their mom moved far away when they were very young and I was lucky enough to help take care of them.  

Carl went to my cleaning job with me yesterday and helped me.  The kid cut my work in half and all I had to do was buy him lunch ... and he still tried to give me money.  I love spending time with him ... he laughs at everything I say ... even if it's not funny.  Years ago Carl had to have his appendix out and I rushed up to the hospital to see him.  When I got to his room both of his real parents where there ... the kid took one look at me and said ..."Sha ... please ... I'm begging you" and then he started laughing ... and it was obvious that he was in more pain when he laughed ... "what I didn't say anything" I said ... which made him laugh again .... I actually had to leave the room.  Now that he is an adult (19) apparently most of the things I say are inappropriate.  I didn't have my camera with me so I don't have a picture of him ... but I'm sure that's fine with him ... he got his hair cut and he's not happy with it.

Today I picked up Erika and we went to a couple of stores and then back to my house to make souffles.  First we made a large cheese souffles and then individual chocolate souffles.  I always have such a good time with her.  We enjoy cooking together, going out to eat,  and food blogging.  These days she is helping to coach me in my new life as a 48 year old 22 year old.  She is brilliant and juggles grad school... work and trying to find the time to cook ... her blog http://findingthethyme.blogspot.com lets her vent about all of her interests.

So I didn't give birth to these two bright spots in my life ... but they are a huge part of it ... and I hope I give them a fraction of the joy that they give me ...

the rest of my life ........

I don't know how long I sat there ... with my eyes closed ... drinking it in ... but I thought ..."this is the happiest I have ever been in my life" ... it may never get better than this ... but I have a feeling it will ... I have no photos to go with this ... I just have the rest of my life ... my little brother just called and said, "I have lobsters are you in" ... and I said  ... "no" .. "I'm good" .. "thanks" ... and I love lobster ...  I don't know where or when ... but I know ... for now ... my life is good and so much better than it has been ... and I'm truly happy ... for the first time in my life ...

la la land .........

It's funny ... because I lived through this horrible ordeal ... and survived ... I had convinced myself that I would never feel pain again.  On the other side of it now, I realize there is plenty of pain left for me.  Life is full of pain ... and some of it much worse than what I went through.  Looking back I wouldn't trade that pain for all the money in the world ... because it brought me to where I am right now ... maybe right this moment I am sad ... but for as high as you go you will go that low.  We can't have sunshine and roses everyday.  Lonely was what I knew for so long that now that I am alone ... it's not that bad to be alone ... except when there is someone with me and then they leave ... it just takes awhile to adjust back to the echo in my empty house.  Solitude is a blessing and a curse ... I do what I want, when I want, make what I want to eat, when I want to eat ... but it's nice to cook for someone else too.  It's nice to leave the house in the morning and know that when I return it will be just as I left it ... except for the twin beds in the guest room that the cats insist belong to them and they spend the day crawling under the covers and twisting the blankets into balls.  I don't miss what I had a year ago ... I want something more ... and until I have it I will live alone and be content and happy in this la la land I have created with my cats.