Two Birthdays ... old and young ...

Today I celebrated two birthdays.  Two of my favorite people in the whole world. The first was my Aunt Callie ... she turned 93 today.  She is not my aunt biologically, she is Joe's aunt.  I have dinner with Callie most Tuesday nights.  I have since Joe and I ended back in March.    Her granddaughter (my friend Katie) was already having dinner with her every Tuesday night and they insisted I join them. Callie took the break up very hard and I think she just wanted to make sure I was alright.  Seeing me on a regular basis lets her know I am OK ... and if it makes her happy to see me, I am happy to do it.  A good meal every Tuesday isn't bad either.  It's strange most of the time I still can't eat very well ... I don't think I will till the whole thing is over ... but I eat on Tuesdays.  She was unhappy with the way things ended with Joe ... she raised him for the most part, his mom died when he was five and Callie made sure the kids left behind were taken care of. She says "I raised him better than this" I have tried several times to have her release her anger ... carrying anger is not good for anyone.  She is mad and I understand that, but she meant so much to Joe.  He called her once and she let him know that she thought he made a mistake and she was angry with him.  I've told him to try again ... I don't want him to have regrets when she goes.  I think even if she still says she's mad ... at least she will know how much he cares if he keeps trying ... but he only called the one time.  I stopped by her house around 11:00 and dropped off a dozen roses, a card and some scalloped oysters for her.  What do you give someone who is 93 and has everything they need.  She told me last Tuesday that she loved oysters ... so I made her some ... kind of a weird birthday gift but she was happy.  I found out later today that Joe sent her flowers ... I'm really glad he did ... she must know he cares and misses her.

Callie reading the card I got her ... 

the picture on the table next to her is Callie, her sister Theresa and Joe ... on our wedding day.

  

I left Callie's and rushed home to make a salad to bring to the next birthday party ... my nephew Zachary will be 4 tomorrow.  Today was one of the days he enjoyed the company of Auntie Lisa over aunt sharon.  His mom Caroline and my brother Jim always throw great parties and Caroline is a great cook.  I was trying to be festive and up, but I have a lot on my mind, and spent a great deal of time just thinking.  One thing that struck me was how much Callie and Zach mean to me and how different the two characters are.  Callie has lived 93 years and has basically seen it all ... she has wisdom and knowledge ... and has lived through so much pain and joy ... she teaches me things about life every time I am with her.  Zachary is so young and looks at the world with such wonder and amazement ... he has so much to learn and so much life to still live ... he teaches me things about life every time I am with him.   They are so different and yet so much the same in what they give to me.

This was the face when we sang happy birthday ...

This was the face when I said "smile"

I said "hey ...  no fair that's not a real smile"

he said "I just want cake aunt sharon"

Thanksgiving 2011.....

My family doesn't go around the table and say what we are thankful for.  A lot of families do that.  I noticed that a lot of people on facebook posted what they were thankful for and it was nice to see.  People don't normally talk about what they are thankful for ... we humans like to bitch more about the daily crap we have to deal with ... I do it too.  But this year is different for me ... I've thought about it a lot today ... about how lucky I am, how blessed, and fortunate ... I truly am.  I have a wonderful, supportive, loving family ... I have a job I really enjoy ... Friends that bring me so much happiness ... a warm safe home ... and Life.  I try now to live each day as if it were my last.  My sister-in-law Caroline and I were talking while getting things ready today.  There is an old friend of her's that she isn't really friends with anymore ... and something happened recently that has made her want to reach out ... and I told her even though this friend hurt her she should reach out ... live life with no regrets.  I thought about my friend Gale today ... in my recent cheating with the cigarettes I have had a lot of guilt ... at the very beginning of it I thought of Gale ... she and I quit together years ago ... about a month ago, it was a Monday, and I thought call Gale and tell her what your doing ... she'll yell at you and you'll stop this crazy behavior ... I picked up the phone and something happened and I didn't call ... two days later another friend called and said "Gale died Monday the wake is today" ... Life happens ... regrets are part of it ... but if you can avoid them by picking up the phone ... just knowing you tried is priceless.  I have learned so much in the last 8 months about happiness and being thankful.  I'm thankful for everyday ... and I try to live a life with no regrets and yet I don't want to leave this world coasting out peacefully I want to leave dancing and singing at the top of my tone deaf lungs ... I don't have all the answers yet ... I know that "time take time" as a good friend has told me ... but I know I have come a long way in the last 8 months and I am happy even with all my flaws and fault ... I just try and be the best I can be for me and those I care about ... and to be thankful for everything ... 

I make the apple pie every year

I always miss my dad, but especially on Thanksgiving ... When it was time for pie my mom would ask him what kind he wanted she would list each one and there were always about seven different kinds and his standard answer every year was "just give me the one Sharon made." I loved my dad ... 

I made the green bean casserole 

I made the scalloped oysters

Mom made the bird

 Caroline and family friend Launa

 Zachary will be 4 on Sunday 

 Brother Jim and Zachary

This is a terrible picture of me but I want my niece Jenna in California to see that I made an attempt to curl my hair like she taught me in October ... Jenna you do it much better than I do ... but I tried ...

Things that go bump in the night.....

A friend suggested that I should install cameras in my bedroom ... get your minds out of the gutter ... strange things happen with me at night.  There were several occasions in the past when Joe would say "you were screaming in your sleep again last night"... sometimes he would stand over me a yell "hey wake up your screaming."  I don't remember what I was screaming about most of those time...but there have been several times in the past that I wake myself up yelling NO.  A few weeks back I went to bed in my bed and woke up in the new guest room.  It was maybe 4:00 am and I woke up with that feeling you get when you travel and it takes a minute to register where you are.  When I realized I was in the guest room the questions started ... why am I in here and how the hell did I get here.  No clue ... when I told my sister she said "if that happens again you need to go see a Doctor" ... which makes me think ... oh great she thinks I'm nuts ...  now there are two of us thinking this.  Last Saturday night I had another strange night.  I went to bed around 11:00 and woke up at about 2:00 with one of those cramps in my calf muscle ... now those are fun ... I've been told to go stand on the cold tile floor in the bathroom and that usually gets rid of it ... anyhoo ... so I jump out of bed and start for the bathroom when I slip on my pajama bottom ... which I just tossed on the floor when I went to bed and down I go right on my butt ... but as I was going down I tried to save myself by grabbing at my dresser ... and managed to just get the little silk runner I have on it an pull all my jewelry down on top of me.  Well the immediate pain of my butt got rid of the leg cramp.  I got back into bed and got very little sleep the rest of the night.  When I got up in the morning I could not believe how bad my butt hurt.  I took a long hot shower hoping the heat would help and thought as soon as I get to work I will call my Chiropractor and see if I can get an appointment right away.  I got dressed, put on my makeup and jewelry all while saying ow ow ow.  I was getting ready to leave when I thought .... wait is it Monday or Sunday ... I actually called my mom and said what day is it? ... it was Sunday.  Pain aside ... if I had capture it on film I'm sure it would have been very funny.  I'm kind of afraid to go to bed tonight who knows what I'll do or where I will wake up.  

Life.......

Funny ... Life ... it can change in an instant.  It amazes me that eight short months ago I thought mine was over.  I was truly devastated, literally could not function.  Slowly, things started to change ... I began to change ... to adapt ... and grow ... I began to smile more and laugh ... really laugh and I realized how amazing my life is.  I started to just appreciate everything I have, and love the people I love deeper, and not take one second for granted.  Life is too short to dwell on the past, there is nothing we can do about it ..."it is what it is."  I can honestly say I am happier today than I ever have been.  My future is open wide and no one or nothing can keep me from living the best life I can.  My destiny lies in my hands and mine alone.  There are people and events that can help with my happiness but truly being happy is up to me.  There will be bumps in the road, everybody has them ... but I need to remember I can learn from every bump and not to let it stop my progress.  Something tells me I won't be suffering to much with the Seasonal Affective Disorder this winter ... I'm not S.A.D. ... I'm happy and I intend to stay that way.  Today I smiled all day ... and I'm still smiling.   Funny ... Life ... 

My view of heaven ...

Like Dorothy said "I know that if I ever go looking for my hearts desire, 

I'll never go any further than my own back yard.

For if it isn't there, I never really lost it"

 "There's no place like home." 

Catering Job #2

My friend Liz hired me to do a small catering job for her this past Tuesday evening.  It wasn't as big as the Fashion Show I catered for her, but a great experience and the more practice I get the more confidence I will get.  The event was for the Chamber of Commerce in town and others in the city.  I did a couple experiments and they turned out pretty good.  I love it when something strange and interesting is also delicious.  

This was my own creation,

Small rounds of pie crust filled with a mixture of porcini and shiitake mushrooms,

 shallots lemon thyme and cream cheese.

This is a pot sticker with golden peas and caramelized shallots and herbs 

inspired by a recipe from 101 Cookbooks.

I liked them with a little hoisin sauce but they were good on there own too.

Spring rolls

Bruschetta 

White Bean Dip with basil and lemon

The pot stickers were a big hit people couldn't figure out what the main ingredient was...yellow peas, cooked and mashed are transformed with the addition of caramelized shallots and some tarragon and thyme ...browned in butter and steamed till cooked.  

Caroline's Birthday......

Yesterday was my sister-in-law Caroline's birthday.  My family has always done big Sunday dinners.  In recent years I was the one that did most Sundays because I love to cook and everyone would come to my house.  Sometimes now I don't even cook for myself on Sunday.  We always make sure if someone has had a birthday during the week that we do a birthday dinner on the Sunday closest to their birthday.  Sometimes we go up to New Hampshire and Caroline cooks which is great.... the girl can cook.  Today I cooked for her.  

Yesterday I cleaned the remaining rosemary off the plant and made rosemary and thyme bread.

 The pellet stove works great for the rising dough.

Chicken breasts stuffed with taleggio cheese and a few fresh tarragon leaves 

wrapped in prosciutto pan seared and then baked in the oven to finish. 

 Cannellini beans with butter, garlic and herbs.

(One of my brother wanted to know how I got them to taste so good....butter)

 Tomato, celery, cucumber, parsley, basil with lemon zest dressing. 

 rosemary thyme Bread

Happy Birthday Caroline

Jim and Caroline

 

Zachary (product of Jim and Caroline)

 

 He had to eat the apple sitting on the apple chair.....

So today was another landmark day for me.  Today was the first time since March that I have hosted a big family dinner.  It was nice to have all my sibling here.  Al is here for another day and then back to California.  It doesn't happen often that we are all together and it's nice for my mom to have all her babies in the same room.  I thought it would be hard for me because for the past 19 years Joe was here, but I was fine.  I'm good with it all.  I'm in a good place and I'm happy, truly happy.  I hope he is too.  Life goes on....Jenna said to me once years ago "someday you'll be gone and 100 years from now no one will know you were even here" I don't know about that ... I plan to leave a mark on this earth. Maybe I already have. 

My Brother Al......

Well it's official ... I am a gigantic phony ... just a big old liar ... according to my brother Al.  Al is my older brother.  The oldest of my siblings ... the birth right.  I feared him when I was a child and I absolutely love him as an adult.  He is one of the smartest people I know and whenever anything goes wrong in my life he is one of the first people I go to for advice.  He is incredibly funny, one of the only people who actually makes my sides hurt from laughing.  Al had nicknames for us as children ... my youngest brother Carl escaped without a nickname because he was the baby and seven years younger that Jim. Lisa was "Puge Poge Page" she was chubby and he thought it appropriate for her ... Jim was "Honey Babe" cause he was a bit of a whimp at times ... and me I was "Pus" according to him the most vile substance on earth.  There was this one incident where my mom saw him with a beer and he threw it in the woods and claimed she had seen wrong. I searched the woods till I found the 1/2 still cold bottle and handed it to her in front of him.  So yes "Pus" it was.

Al lives in California with his wife and kids and we don't get to see each other very often.  I picked him up at the airport tonight.  He flew into Manchester NH instead of Logan in Boston.  It was dark by the time he arrived and I had to drive back down Rt 93 in the dark at rush hour and I don't like to drive on the highway in the daylight so I was not happy.  I had planned on asking him to drive but then when he talked about how tired he was I didn't.  So I was driving and he was in the front seat and mom in the back.  The two of them then start with the politics and the state of the world and the economy.... and of course those little pills the Dr. gave me were not in my purse.   I was gripping the steering wheel and really white knuckling it when I asked if he could please open his window... and then he asked why? ..... "I just need a little fresh air" .... why?  "I just get a little nervous driving on the highway at night and I don't want to take my hands off the steering wheel and" ....that was it ..... "Your only going 50.....Ohhhhhh well if it isn't little Miss I'm Not Afraid Of Anything Anymore" ..... all this crap about how fearless you are on you blog is bullshit!  Yup... my brother reads my blog and he likes it...which amazes me...but apparently I've been outed.  The fact that I wasn't wearing my brace on my ankle or the fact that I don't wake up screaming anymore is not good enough... so I admit it "I am afraid of driving on the highway .... don't like it one bit ...but I did it and I didn't pull off the road and go screaming into the woods like I wanted to.  Got us safely back to moms without a problem, which I am now looking at as a learning experience.  I drove on the highway at night and I am fine...just need to keep doing it and I will overcome this too.    

Lisa...Al holding Jim and me .... before Carl

with Carl

I love my siblings more than anything....well, there is chocolate.......

living alone.....

Some days are just harder than others.  Sometimes the solitude just eats at me.  Other days I revel in it.  Today it's eating at me.  This is the first time in my life that I have lived alone.  For the past 8 months (except for the week that Jenna was with me) I have spent every night in my house alone.  Some nights I play music loud and sing and dance...I march around banging pots and pans together...because I can.  (I always had to keep the house quite before or I got hell for it.)  I have always lived with other human beings...even if no words were spoken there is comfort in knowing there is someone else breathing in my space.  The house I grew up in I was never alone there was always someone home my parents, my sister and 3 brothers.  I moved from that house to the apartment in Italy with husband #1.....then to the apartment back here with him and then back to my parents after the divorce.  Then I was there until husband #2....and now it's just me.  I suppose I should be ashamed that I am 48 years old and have never lived on my own.  Just the way it happened.  I remember a teacher in high school telling the class one day that for as high as you go you will go that low.  That you cannot enjoy the good unless you experience the bad.  It's true of everything in life.  So today I was lonely and I didn't enjoy it. 

Funny...as I write this a friend just sent me a text message and I am reminded that I am never really alone.  Lonely is a strange feeling...it comes and goes just like that.  Some days are just easier.     

Yesterday was easier..New Hampshire had to postpone trick or treat because of the snow.  So mom and Lisa and I drove up to see Zachary in his costume.  

I told him he was the cutest dinosaur I had ever seen...and he looked at me with complete frustration and said "I am a Triceratops, Aunt Sharon."  He's not even 4 yet.